Little Bill Daggett: Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!
Bill Munny: He should have armed himself if he was goin' to decorate his saloon with my friend.
- Unforgiven
Photo by Flickr friend Cindy Nguyen of Flickr friend Amy Nguyen
August 25, 2006
August 23, 2006
I got a name
Cleveland rocks, Richmond sucks has moved to my personal domain. (Hey, I am the master of my own domain, and don't you forget it. This isn't Shoe City. This is my city.)
August 22, 2006
Smokin'
A blonde Barbie (looked like Charlize Theron, she did) waitress from the Tobacco Company restaurant once picked me up in the James Branch Cabell Library at Virginia Commonwealth University. She wanted me to go down there and spend a lot of money on me getting to know her before I or she decided it was worth getting involved with eachother. Which is pretty much what dating is all about. Spending money on women in restaurants before deciding they're worth the time and trouble of further involvement.
I declined the offer because I'm not interested in going to restaurants that are named after an industry that will kill a billion people in this century (Richmond Times-Dispatch).
What's next: Auschwitz Pizza Ovens (coming soon to a neighborhood near you)?
I declined the offer because I'm not interested in going to restaurants that are named after an industry that will kill a billion people in this century (Richmond Times-Dispatch).
What's next: Auschwitz Pizza Ovens (coming soon to a neighborhood near you)?
Going to school
You can learn from anyone, even if it's what not to do. As a speaker at a George Wallace rally told me in 1968, even a stopped clock is right two times a day. I went to school on the University of Virginia for five years and I learned two things:
1) A sociology professor told me, "The system always looks functional from the top." I already knew that. I have a B.A. in sociology. But it never hurts to go back to the basics.
2) How to make a livable city from William Whyte at the School of Architecture.
I went to school on Virginia Commonwealth University for 10 years and I learned two things:
1) VCU sucks.
2) Eugene Trani, president of VCU, can kiss my ass.
1) A sociology professor told me, "The system always looks functional from the top." I already knew that. I have a B.A. in sociology. But it never hurts to go back to the basics.
2) How to make a livable city from William Whyte at the School of Architecture.
I went to school on Virginia Commonwealth University for 10 years and I learned two things:
1) VCU sucks.
2) Eugene Trani, president of VCU, can kiss my ass.
How I feel about African-Americans
What DeGaulle said about France.
For the record, I would like to say that I feel the same way about Ms. Janeane Garofalo. DeGaulle also said, "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs."
Come to think of it, DeGaulle's sentiments probably reflect the way Moses felt about the Jews. DeGaulle also said, "Diplomats are useful only in fair weather. As soon as it rains they drown in every drop."
For the record, I would like to say that I feel the same way about Ms. Janeane Garofalo. DeGaulle also said, "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs."
Come to think of it, DeGaulle's sentiments probably reflect the way Moses felt about the Jews. DeGaulle also said, "Diplomats are useful only in fair weather. As soon as it rains they drown in every drop."
I'm blowing up
I've opened up a third front - The Richmond Times-Dispatch. I hope I don't fall off a cliff. I'm going to out-Hitler Hitler. I'm going to be more popular than Jesus. Ooops...
Are the Jews an endangered species?
There are only 14 millions Jews on the entire planet, according to Glenn Beck. Hmmm, should we make them an endangered species?
HAWHAWHAW. That was a joke, and a double-edged one at that. Please, no angry letters from handmaidens of Israel like the AJC, AIPAC, and the B'nai Brith. Also, no mouthing off from the Simon Wiesenthal Center. I don't want your mouth anywhere near me. I know where it's been - firmly affixed to crypto-Nazi Arnold Schwarzenegger's ass.
Whatsamatta u Jews? You people just don't have a sense of humor. You lose it at Auschwitz?
I can make these kinds of jokes because I'm Jewish. I'm sure if you go back far enough, you can find Jews in my woodpile, er, ancestry.
HAWHAWHAW. That was a joke, and a double-edged one at that. Please, no angry letters from handmaidens of Israel like the AJC, AIPAC, and the B'nai Brith. Also, no mouthing off from the Simon Wiesenthal Center. I don't want your mouth anywhere near me. I know where it's been - firmly affixed to crypto-Nazi Arnold Schwarzenegger's ass.
Whatsamatta u Jews? You people just don't have a sense of humor. You lose it at Auschwitz?
I can make these kinds of jokes because I'm Jewish. I'm sure if you go back far enough, you can find Jews in my woodpile, er, ancestry.
August 18, 2006
Rush hour
At five o'clock it's much too crowded (too crowded)Much too crowded (too crowded)Much too crowded (too crowded)Too crowded for meCouldn't get through to you babyOh, it's too crowded - The Soul Survivors
Trying to get through the sidewalk in front of the Capitol City Coffeehouse was nearly impossible because of the dense foot traffic. My dogma was nearly run over by my karma. All those people and tables obstructed the sidewalk (a capital offense at Virginia Commonwealth University.) I was tempted to make a citizen's arrest but declined.
Trying to get through the sidewalk in front of the Capitol City Coffeehouse was nearly impossible because of the dense foot traffic. My dogma was nearly run over by my karma. All those people and tables obstructed the sidewalk (a capital offense at Virginia Commonwealth University.) I was tempted to make a citizen's arrest but declined.
Sgt. Pepper and the Bad Lieutenant decline the invitation
You're invited to a retirement party for the Virginia Commonwealth University chief of police and Officer M. Franklin. The chief's distinguished record is even more impressive because he recently confessed to me, "I can't read." VCU President Eugene Trani said he was so impressed by the willingness of the chief and Officer Franklin to take a bullet for VCU that Trani was freeing them in his will.
When reached for comment, Officer Taylor said, "Fall mountain, just don't fall on me."
The powerful Tarheel in administration with the snazzy sports car was unavailable for comment. She was too busy cleaning out her desk and getting escorted off campus by Mean Mr. Mustache, the scrawny-ass bicycycle cop, who then escorted himself off campus, pointing his finger at everyone he met.
RSVP TBA CYA
When reached for comment, Officer Taylor said, "Fall mountain, just don't fall on me."
The powerful Tarheel in administration with the snazzy sports car was unavailable for comment. She was too busy cleaning out her desk and getting escorted off campus by Mean Mr. Mustache, the scrawny-ass bicycycle cop, who then escorted himself off campus, pointing his finger at everyone he met.
RSVP TBA CYA
Why? Why? Why?
In response to my post about racism at the Watermelon Festival, someone asked, "Why don't you move?" This a non sequitor and non-starter, to which I reply, "Why don't you move because you're the sort of person that tolerates this crap?" You should be ashamed and instead you suggest that I move. However, to show that I am the magnamimous person that I am, I have set up the Movin' Chris On Up Fund. Send all contributions to P.O. Box 11242, Richmond, VA 22320. I reserve the right if it never amounts to a hill of beans to spend the money on $1.00 expresso shots (50 cents for refills) at Can Can in Carytown instead.
A related question, by a man who stopped me and asked for a light: "Why you got to make things so hot?"
If you're referring to the August climate, I have nothing to do with that. If I could afford it, I would live in Rockport, Maine in August. If you're referring to the disturbed equalibrium in the structure which is Richmond, and which makes people feel uncomfortable, it's what I do.
A related question, by a man who stopped me and asked for a light: "Why you got to make things so hot?"
If you're referring to the August climate, I have nothing to do with that. If I could afford it, I would live in Rockport, Maine in August. If you're referring to the disturbed equalibrium in the structure which is Richmond, and which makes people feel uncomfortable, it's what I do.
I hate Canada
I don't know why people keep suggesting I go to Canada. Somehow it lacks the ring of Dwight D. Eisenhower saying, "I will go to Korea." I wouldn't even go to Canada when I was on the verge of being drafted during the Vietnam War, which tells you something. Nothing good has ever come out of Canada except for universal health care, cheap pharmaceuticals, and legalized marijuana and prostitution. On the other hand, they've exported Martin Short and Dan Aykroyd, responsible for "The Three Amigos," so it's a net loss. They're also responsible for the sex-mad, mad dogs and Canadians, crazy Samantha Burns. One of my first acts as president will be to sign an executive order deporting them, along with Steve Martin, for that crime against humanity.
Does Canada have any reason for continuing to exist, particularly after French Canadian independence and the overthrow of British royalty? If you don't knock off this visit Canada stuff - I'm going to visit Canada all right - to finish what Benedict Arnold started.
Does Canada have any reason for continuing to exist, particularly after French Canadian independence and the overthrow of British royalty? If you don't knock off this visit Canada stuff - I'm going to visit Canada all right - to finish what Benedict Arnold started.
Expresso love - Dire Straits
She gets the sun in the daytime
Perfume in the dusk
And she comes out in the night time
With the honeysuckle musk
Because she smells just like a rose
And she tastes just like a peach
She got me walking where the wildlife goes
I'd do anything to reach her
And she was made in heaven
Heaven's in the world
Is this just expresso love
You know I'm crazy for the girl
She calls me just to talk
She's my lover, she's a friend of mine
She says, hey, mister you wanna take a walk
In the wild West End sometime
And I get trouble with my breathing
She says, boys don't know anything
But I know what I want
I want everything
Well I feel so good cos I feel so good
And I feel so good cos it feels so right
I was made to go with my girl
Like a saxophone was made to go with the night
And she can raise one eyebrow
Put her hand on my hip
And I close one eye now
Sweat on her lip
And I surrender to the fever
I surrender to the will of the night
She love me so tender, I got to believe her
Love? Expresso love's alright
I don't want no sugar in it
Thank you very much
All wired up on it all fired up on it
Expresso touch
Hey maestro, expresso
It's just another one, just like the other one
Hey maestro, expresso
Is this another one just like the other one?
Perfume in the dusk
And she comes out in the night time
With the honeysuckle musk
Because she smells just like a rose
And she tastes just like a peach
She got me walking where the wildlife goes
I'd do anything to reach her
And she was made in heaven
Heaven's in the world
Is this just expresso love
You know I'm crazy for the girl
She calls me just to talk
She's my lover, she's a friend of mine
She says, hey, mister you wanna take a walk
In the wild West End sometime
And I get trouble with my breathing
She says, boys don't know anything
But I know what I want
I want everything
Well I feel so good cos I feel so good
And I feel so good cos it feels so right
I was made to go with my girl
Like a saxophone was made to go with the night
And she can raise one eyebrow
Put her hand on my hip
And I close one eye now
Sweat on her lip
And I surrender to the fever
I surrender to the will of the night
She love me so tender, I got to believe her
Love? Expresso love's alright
I don't want no sugar in it
Thank you very much
All wired up on it all fired up on it
Expresso touch
Hey maestro, expresso
It's just another one, just like the other one
Hey maestro, expresso
Is this another one just like the other one?
The Dirty Boulevard - Lou Reed
Pedro lives out of the Wilshire Hotel
He looks out a window without glass
The walls are made of cardboard, newspapers on his feet
His father beats him 'cause he's too tired to beg
He's got 9 brothers and sisters, they're brought up on their
knees
It's hard to run when a coat hanger beats you on the things
Pedro dreams of being older and killing the old man
but that's a slim chance he's going to the boulevard
He's going to end up, on the dirty boulevard
He's going out, to the dirty boulevard
He's going down, to the dirty boulevard
This room cost 2,000 dollars a month, you can believe it man
it's true
Somewhere a landlord's laughing till he wets his pants
No one here dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything
they dream of dealing on the dirty boulevard
Give me your hungry, your tired, your poor, I'll piss on 'em
That's what the Statue of Bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses, let's club 'em to death
and get it over with and just dump 'em on the boulevard
Going to end up, on the dirty boulevard
Going out, to the dirty boulevard
He's going down, on the dirty boulevard
Going out
Outside it's a bright night, there's an opera at Lincoln
Center
Movie stars arrive by limousine
The klieg lights shoot up over the skyline of Manhattan
But the lights are out on the mean streets
A small kid stands by the Lincoln Tunnel
He's selling plastic roses for a buck
The traffic's backed up to 39th street
The tv whores are calling the cops out for a suck
And back at the Wilshire, Pedro sits there dreaming
He's found a book on magic in a garbage can
He looks at the pictures and stares at the cracked ceiling
"At the count of 3" he says, "I hope I can disappear"
And fly fly away, from this dirty boulevard
I want to fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly, fly, fly, fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly away
I want to fly
Fly, fly away
I want to fly
Fly, fly away
Fly, fly, fly
Fly, fly away
Fly away
He looks out a window without glass
The walls are made of cardboard, newspapers on his feet
His father beats him 'cause he's too tired to beg
He's got 9 brothers and sisters, they're brought up on their
knees
It's hard to run when a coat hanger beats you on the things
Pedro dreams of being older and killing the old man
but that's a slim chance he's going to the boulevard
He's going to end up, on the dirty boulevard
He's going out, to the dirty boulevard
He's going down, to the dirty boulevard
This room cost 2,000 dollars a month, you can believe it man
it's true
Somewhere a landlord's laughing till he wets his pants
No one here dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything
they dream of dealing on the dirty boulevard
Give me your hungry, your tired, your poor, I'll piss on 'em
That's what the Statue of Bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses, let's club 'em to death
and get it over with and just dump 'em on the boulevard
Going to end up, on the dirty boulevard
Going out, to the dirty boulevard
He's going down, on the dirty boulevard
Going out
Outside it's a bright night, there's an opera at Lincoln
Center
Movie stars arrive by limousine
The klieg lights shoot up over the skyline of Manhattan
But the lights are out on the mean streets
A small kid stands by the Lincoln Tunnel
He's selling plastic roses for a buck
The traffic's backed up to 39th street
The tv whores are calling the cops out for a suck
And back at the Wilshire, Pedro sits there dreaming
He's found a book on magic in a garbage can
He looks at the pictures and stares at the cracked ceiling
"At the count of 3" he says, "I hope I can disappear"
And fly fly away, from this dirty boulevard
I want to fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly, fly, fly, fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly away
I want to fly
Fly, fly away
I want to fly
Fly, fly away
Fly, fly, fly
Fly, fly away
Fly away
August 15, 2006
My favorite line from "Raw Deal"
Arnold Schwarzenegger tells sniveling prosecutor Joe Regalbuto, "Resign or be prosecuted."
It's just another day in paradise
It's 5:45 a.m. and a African-American police officer has been waiting for me to walk by in front of Richmond Police Department headquarters. He says, "What's up?" I don't respond, which disrespects him. Every black man and woman in America is automatically entitled to my respect, until they do something to earn my disrespect, like don the uniform of the RPD (Report-Takers Police Department).
One of the guys who runs the Freedom House soup kitchen at the Salvation Army asks me if I still work at Tiffany's. (Hey, I really do have wax in my left ear, compacted from putting in a hearing protection plug at a Rachel Leyco Band show.) I used to know his name, but I forgot. If I were casting "The Mike Tyson Story," he'd be a trainer or cut man. If I were having a wedding reception, I'd hire him to be a bouncer and to tell the guests it's time to get to stepping. How do you know you're finished... I'm a little groggy at 6 a.m. but I realize it's another "Joan of Arcadia" moment courtesy of Janeane Garofalo. I don't have breakfast at Tiffany's, nor do I buy any rings there. And I guess that Janeane thinks she's Audrey Hepburn and I'm George Peppard or OMG, OMG I'm Buddy Ebsen - eewww!- and I should watch the movie for important clues. The only problem is that I'm still decoding the secret messages in a stack of "Badly Drawn Boy" CDs. Audrey Hepburn was 5', 7" and Janeane is 5', 1" though their weight is almost the same (Janeane weighs 99 pounds, Audrey, 110). Anyhoo, my favorite Hepburn film is "Two for the Road." And I get all my jewelry at Don Dransfeld in Shockhoe Slip, jeweler to the has-been stars, or at least one of them...
We off the block this year
Went from a little to a lot this year
Everybody mad at the rocks that I wear
I know where I'm goin' and I know where I'm from
You hear LOX in your ear
Yea, we're at the airport out decline from the block
Where everybody air-forced-out
With a new white Tee, you fresh
Nothin' phony with us, make the money, get the mansion, bring the homies with us
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
- Jennifer Lopez
But don't let it be a black and a white one
Cuz they slam ya down to the street top
Black police showin out for the white cop
- Fuck Tha' Police, NWA
One of the guys who runs the Freedom House soup kitchen at the Salvation Army asks me if I still work at Tiffany's. (Hey, I really do have wax in my left ear, compacted from putting in a hearing protection plug at a Rachel Leyco Band show.) I used to know his name, but I forgot. If I were casting "The Mike Tyson Story," he'd be a trainer or cut man. If I were having a wedding reception, I'd hire him to be a bouncer and to tell the guests it's time to get to stepping. How do you know you're finished... I'm a little groggy at 6 a.m. but I realize it's another "Joan of Arcadia" moment courtesy of Janeane Garofalo. I don't have breakfast at Tiffany's, nor do I buy any rings there. And I guess that Janeane thinks she's Audrey Hepburn and I'm George Peppard or OMG, OMG I'm Buddy Ebsen - eewww!- and I should watch the movie for important clues. The only problem is that I'm still decoding the secret messages in a stack of "Badly Drawn Boy" CDs. Audrey Hepburn was 5', 7" and Janeane is 5', 1" though their weight is almost the same (Janeane weighs 99 pounds, Audrey, 110). Anyhoo, my favorite Hepburn film is "Two for the Road." And I get all my jewelry at Don Dransfeld in Shockhoe Slip, jeweler to the has-been stars, or at least one of them...
We off the block this year
Went from a little to a lot this year
Everybody mad at the rocks that I wear
I know where I'm goin' and I know where I'm from
You hear LOX in your ear
Yea, we're at the airport out decline from the block
Where everybody air-forced-out
With a new white Tee, you fresh
Nothin' phony with us, make the money, get the mansion, bring the homies with us
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
- Jennifer Lopez
The Surreal Life, or nothing new under the sun, my ass
Sunday, I found myself in front of the First Baptist Church on the Boulevard talking with an employee of the company that invented LSD about international water sports.
Fixin' to fly blues
I'm glad that I very rarely fly (my arms get tired - OK, I stole that joke). That means I can skip over all those stories about airlines and terrorism - saves a lot of time. I feel sorry for the rest of you, though. By the time this is all over, you're going to be flying in the nude (OK, I stole that joke) - which is a pretty frightening thought because some people need to keep their clothes on.
August 14, 2006
You ain't done nothing
Woke up Sunday morning at 12:35 to the sound of loud music, laughter, and the clinking of glasses. The people in the house behind me are having a party. I tell then to knock it off or I'm calling the police. I trudge down to the station to save minutes on my cell phone. Why get the runaround on the phone and spend money when I can get the runaround in person and save? The person behind the desk tells me the party patrol will check it out. The party ends after many amplified expressions of the n-word and various other obscenities at 2:30 a.m. - voluntarily.
I trudge down to the police station later Sunday morning where an Asian policewoman tells me what I already know - that they can't do anything once the party is over - and what I don't know - that the party patrol doesn't work in my area, only in the Fan District. But it's nice to know that the Richmond Police Department is not just misinformed and ineffectual - it's diverse and misinformed and ineffectual.
Hey, guys, to paraphrase Robert Townsend, if you want to sit on your ass and talk about sports and vacations, there are plenty of good jobs at the VCU James Branch Cabell Library reference desk.
I trudge down to the police station later Sunday morning where an Asian policewoman tells me what I already know - that they can't do anything once the party is over - and what I don't know - that the party patrol doesn't work in my area, only in the Fan District. But it's nice to know that the Richmond Police Department is not just misinformed and ineffectual - it's diverse and misinformed and ineffectual.
Hey, guys, to paraphrase Robert Townsend, if you want to sit on your ass and talk about sports and vacations, there are plenty of good jobs at the VCU James Branch Cabell Library reference desk.
The Watermelon Man
I went to the Watermelon Festival in Carytown Sunday. Heard: a volunteer at the Libertarian Party booth say the n-word. Maybe that's why they meet in the 7500 block of Broad Street instead of downtown. The Libertarians want to take over New Hampshire so that they can be with their own kind. I hope they secede - oops -succeed. Live frei or die, say I. One thing is certain: they'll have a white Christmas. Seen: a Confederate flag on the back of someone's shirt in the milling crowd. And of course, booths for those two sons of bitches, er, the Confederacy, George Felix Allen and Jim "Manchurian Man" Webb, both culpable in perpetuating a dangerous myth, that dying for slavery is a noble cause. Not seen: black musicians with a few exceptions. I did find a theme for any future candidacies: "It's not easy being sleazy" by the Dirty Truth - or maybe I should let Bill Clinton have it. And then there was the Stepin Fetchit (or was it Bojangles? - it's so hard to keep my racist icons straight) knockoff dancing in front of the crowd listening to the band. Creeped me out, it did.
We don't know what the secret formula for Kentucky Fried Chicken is. Maybe the secret ingredient of the Carytown Watermelon Festival is racism. I don't know. I'm just a fruit trader.
You never turned around to see the frowns
on the jugglers and the clowns
When they all come down and did tricks for you. - Bob Dylan
We don't know what the secret formula for Kentucky Fried Chicken is. Maybe the secret ingredient of the Carytown Watermelon Festival is racism. I don't know. I'm just a fruit trader.
August 10, 2006
I toasted your ass. You're my bitch now. - Gerard Mulligan, the David Letterman Show
I've opened up a second front. Hey, it worked for Hitler in Russia, huh? Walking back and forth this morning outside the Virginia Commonwealth University police station on West Grace Street with a sign that reads, "Kiss my ass, Eugene Trani." A woman cadet or intern with short red hair opens the door and suggests I take my sign elsewhere, preferably to Eugene Trani's office on West Franklin. I say First Amendment yada, yada, yada. She gives me the address. An officer says he's offended by the language on the sign. I say you can hear the same language on late night talk shows. I say I'm offended by guys who don't wear shirts, but there's no law against it. He says some people are offended by novelty t-shirts such as the one I'm wearing that says,"Whoever said, 'Money can't buy happiness' forgot about prostitution." I say some people are offended by overweight guys. He asks if I think he's overweight. I suggest he ask his doctor. I say that some people are offended by lesbians. At which point, the cadet or intern calls me "Jack" and closes the door. Yet another candidate for a refresher course in customer relations. My name is not Jack - Tripper or Ripper. My name is Chris Martin - yes, Gwyneth Paltrow made a horrible mistake which she regrets every day. The whole encounter has a surrealistic feel - like the the Knights of the Round Table at the French castle in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," with me as a stand-in in for the knights and the VCU police being the French:
I upgrade my sign at Pla-Za Art (reasonable prices for FoamCore) and move on to Eugene Trani's office. It's called hydraulics, Eugene. You pressure me and I transfer the pressure back to you.
Thanks to Janeane Garofalo for being my nasty girl
French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
I upgrade my sign at Pla-Za Art (reasonable prices for FoamCore) and move on to Eugene Trani's office. It's called hydraulics, Eugene. You pressure me and I transfer the pressure back to you.
Thanks to Janeane Garofalo for being my nasty girl
August 09, 2006
Submitted for your approval
I just rented a movie on Netflix which looks great on my new plasma TV and Truetech DVD player from Target. It's called Get Shorty.
August 08, 2006
Ooh, my years are burning
David Brooks' column in The New York Times August 3, 2006 was a thinly-veiled dig at me for being lazy. At least he didn't call me shiftless, good-for-nothing, and no-count. Nationally-known hacks like David Brooks can't believe there's someone out in the sticks who can write better, funnier, and more perceptively than they. I know it. I own it. They do too. And unlike them, and like George Orwell, I don't just talk the talk. I walk the walk.
David, like many other immature adults, is feeling guilty or acting out in the hopes of getting spanked. Like children, they want attention, whether it's positive or negative, for things they have done or left undone. If it's any comfort, David, your spanking is coming. You don't have a lifetime sinecure like William Safire. Once I get my hands on the Times, I'm going to fire you. (And start competing newspapers in Richmond, Virginia and Washington, D.C. and put The Richmond Times-Dispatch and The Washington Post out of business, but that's another story.)
Many readers no doubt observed that if today's prostate-age moocher wanted to loaf around the house all day reading books and tossing off their vacuous opnions into the ether, they should have had the foresight to become newspaper columnists. [Been there, done that. I wrote essays predicting what would happen in Fallujah and Iraq months and years before Thomas Friedman got his head out of the sand and/or his butt. Gail Collins, the editor of The New York Times editorial page knows it because I sent her the essays. And he knows it too because he has acknowledged it in his column. Actually, early in my newspaper career, a Duke Power executive who knew the editor of the editorial page of The Wall Street Journal kept urging me to apply there. Only one problem: I didn't want to work for The Wall Street Journal. I still don't. I wrote a magazine column for the late-lamented indie Eye magazine in the nineties. I wrote a column on Apple and Macintosh for Macopinion.com. I also worked for The New York Times and it didn't take me long to figure out that I was smarter and more talented than Hedrick Smith, R.W. Apple, Sy Hersh, Joe Lelyveld, Eugene Roberts, Bill Kovach, Clifton Daniel, Scotty Reston, and a host of other Timesies. But I never advanced because of Ivy-league prejudice and political patronage - I lost my job to a Bella Abzug employee - which why I have hated feminists, feminism, and loud women in funny hats ever since.]
Others will note sardonically that the only really vibrant counter-culture in the United States today is laziness. [I get more done doing nothing than you'll ever by working, David. Study the Tao Teh Ching and BTO for more on this. I love to work at nothing all day.] But I try not to judge these gentlemen too harshly. What I see is a migration of values. Once upon a time, middle-clas men would have judged their dignity by their ability to work hard, provide for the familiies, and live as sel-reliant members of society. But these fellows, to judge by their quotations, define their dignity, not by their achievement, but by their autonomy, by their distance from anything dishonorably menial or compulsory ["Dishonorably menial or compulsory." That sounds like a newspaper column. Especially ones endorsing the US effort in Iraq. As for achievement, just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Like George Bailey, I am a wonderment.]
In other words, the values that used to prevail among the manorial estates have migrated to parts of the mass society while the grinding work ethic of the immigrant prevails in the stratosphere. [I certainly don't believe in heavy lifting. As Robert Fritz says, let the tool do the work.]
David, like many other immature adults, is feeling guilty or acting out in the hopes of getting spanked. Like children, they want attention, whether it's positive or negative, for things they have done or left undone. If it's any comfort, David, your spanking is coming. You don't have a lifetime sinecure like William Safire. Once I get my hands on the Times, I'm going to fire you. (And start competing newspapers in Richmond, Virginia and Washington, D.C. and put The Richmond Times-Dispatch and The Washington Post out of business, but that's another story.)
August 04, 2006
Lights out at Night Out
I went to a Byrd Park neighborhood block party Monday. A woman was at a table gathering signatures opposing the Virginia constitutional amendment against gay marriage. I told her I was sitting this one out because the gays in the state didn't support my campaign against state sodomy laws. I told her I didn't appreciate Jon Klein of Diversity Thrift, one of the leaders of the Richmond, Virginia gay community, hitting on me when he knew I was straight. No means no. That's rude, and will get your ass kicked in some places - killed in others. I also didn't appreciate the obstructionist attitude of the gay lobbyist to the General Ass-embly. The woman gathering signatures said her lesbian friends didn't hit on her. I had to bite my tongue to stop from suggesting she get a decent haircut, develop a fashion sense, lose weight, go to the gym, and use makeup. Then get back to me with a progress report on her lesbian friends.
All this whining by gays about how biology is destiny, yet gays can't resist trying to convert people. And then they wonder why they lose amendment votes. To paraphrase Academy Award winner and recent Hollywood Walk of Famer Jamie Foxx in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs," the problem is they're not letting their brain do their thinking.
All this whining by gays about how biology is destiny, yet gays can't resist trying to convert people. And then they wonder why they lose amendment votes. To paraphrase Academy Award winner and recent Hollywood Walk of Famer Jamie Foxx in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs," the problem is they're not letting their brain do their thinking.
July 26, 2006
Tastes great, less sucking
Cleveland rocks, Richmond sucks will move to www.chrismartin.name/joomla which has a blog but also the features of a web site, something Blogger doesn't do well. But it will probably take a while to figure out the interface and how to add content. In the meantime, I will continue to revise the material here and add to it as whimsey dictates. You should also reach us at www.richmondsucks.com. as soon as I can get Yahoo's URL redirect to work.
July 05, 2006
And they're off
The campaign to remove the Confederate monuments from Monument Avenue, rename the avenue Soul Street, and replace the old monuments with statues of seminal figures from soul, blues, jazz, and rhythm and blues with artists like Miles Davis, Etta James, and John Lee Hooker, has begun.
Update: a member of the rap community has approached me about adding rap to the mix in general and Tupac specifically. Of course - I'm partial to N.W.A. myself. My bad - it only shows how old school I am.
Update: if the Richmond City Council can take a month off in August, so can I.
Update 7/22/2006: I was flying a sign quoting Jesus about a prophet without honor in his own country this morning when a jogger passed by the Stonewall Jackson statue and called out, "You're doing nothing." I yelled at the top of my voice, "Hey, asshole, you're wearing an American flag on your ass. Fuck you. Come back and get some." He declined the offer. I hate these consymps (Confederate symphathizers) and dirty little atheists. Possibly my birthday present from Janeane Garofalo. The woman has a perverse sense of humor. There's something wrong with her limbic system. As I said, I hate these consymps and dirty little atheists.
Update 8/04/06: Even though I have been integrating Richmond public transit since the early nineties, some of my best acquaintances are black, and I am an African-American myself, I occasionally feel guilty about my failure to mix it up. My aim is true, but I'm not hitting the target. Now, thanks to CVS, I have two prospects. They are smart, attractive, ambitious, young - best of class, which seems to be the type of woman who is attracted to me, and vice versa. Hips don't lie. No fighting. There are better uses for fists. If the glove fits, you must...
Mark my words, I'm making progress. Get me to the church on time.
Update 8/07/06:I was flying a sign saying, "Richmond: number one in horse's ass" in front of the Stonewell Jackson statue today when the sign became a self-fulfilling prophecy. A guy in a pickup truck lost it and crossed over from the right side, clipped a car, and then slammed into a building on the left side. I was standing in the median waiting for an officer to take my account when a taxi driver passing by said I should be in a comedy club.
One of the investigating officers said I couldn't display a sign on the statue base or the median because it was a traffic hazard. I was standing with my sign on the median at the time he told me this. The reason I was standing on the median: a police officer told me to do so. To do so on the statue was even worse than on the median, according to the officer. By the same logic, people couldn't have bumper stickers because people would get distracted reading them. This is what passes for Richmond Police Department logic since the sign itself is a traffic hazard. It sits right in the middle of the flow. This is suspicious because I've been doing this for weeks and dozens if not hundreds of police officers have passed by without mentioning this. If true, this suggests the department is negligent or culpable - surprise, surprise - or afraid to tell little ol' me I'm breaking the law. Take your pick. This is what may be what passes for a mild prank in the RPD. The more severe involve backshot suspects "resisting arrest." He asked me what was wrong with the statue, which is what passes for humor in the Richmond Police Department. I told him the fact that he had to ask told me what he was. He may have assumed horse's ass. I meant ignorant cracker. I told him there were a lot like him in the department.
I told the commanding officer on the scene that I was not his officer's "buddy." Overwhelmed with an urge to do the right thing, I confessed to having publicly urinated on the statue base Sunday morning. He declined to take my confession, however. Actually, if it turns out to be true, standing on the street corner would mean standing in front of my former landlord's mansion - and he is a horse's ass, and a greedy one at that, or the First Baptist Church, whose pews are filled with asses on Sunday.
So what have we learned from this: the driver needs to go to traffic school, I need go to a comedy club, and the officer needs to go back to the police academy for a refresher course in customer relations.
Update 8/08/06: Precinct vice commander (I'm more of a vice demander or provider myself) Jim Peace of the Richmond Police Department tells me yesterday morning that while he respects my constitutional right to free expression, it is his interpretation of the traffic law that standing on the Stonewall Jackson statue base with a sign is a violation. Why does the statue have a walkway on it, then? Why was the statue built with room for someone to stand on it? Flying a sign on the statue base is hardly the equivalent of yelling "fire" in a movie theater. What Jim is saying is that he is really, really pissed at my criticism of the RPD and my challenge to their legitimacy and authority. To paraphrase Academy Award winner and recent Hollywood Walk of Famer Jamie Foxx in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs," he's letting his emotions do his thinking. Shoot the messenger, I believe it's called. Or arrest the messenger. The next time I go on the statue base, he will arrest me, he says. I point out that a police car passed by me 15 minutes ago and the officers didn't say anything. He confesses that not all police officers are as energetic and as knowledgeable about the law as he. (The RPD maybe less than thrilled to learn from Monroe Park snitches Sunday that I plan to strut around the statue as a chillingly realistic version of Adolph Hitler - are there any statues of him in Berlin? As Albert Ellis says, same hearse, different license plates.)
Au contraire. I conclude that the many, many police officers in Richmond, the dozens and possibly hundreds, who kept on driving without saying anything in the previous weeks are a lot smarter and more knowledgeable about the law than Jim Peace. Either they are survivors or they are Constitutionalists. Anyone who enforces the Richmond traffic code over the Bill of Rights is a dangerous man with a dangerous mind and should be put down like a mad dog - quickly and dispassionately. (When I say put down, I mean in the pejorative sense rather than the shoot him in the head during a routine traffic stop and hang him by his entrails from the statue as an warning to others sense - don't get excited, that's just an example of police humor.) Jim, I suggest you move to Germany because you would make a good German. With your literal mind, perhaps you could get a job in the Wehrmacht as a file clerk. As preparation, I suggest you read Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland by Christopher R. Browning. It should be required reading for all police officers in America and all file clerks in the Wehrmacht.
Sometimes, it's important for officers to know when to enforce the law and when not to. All those other officers - with the exception of one other - passed the test. You failed, Jim. I will do my best to see that that is a career-ending decision on your part you that you will never work in law enforcement in this country again.
Vice commander Peace suggests I might be a test case for the ACLU. I say that David Baugh is too busy defending KKK cross burners and Arab terrorists to take my case. He says he admires David Baugh, which is reason to believe that Jim Peace is also that most dangerous of men - an idealist. I say I don't admire Baugh and that the reason David Baugh defends the KKK is that he hates his own people. The reason he defends Arab terrorists is that he hates America - which I understand. If I were a black man in America, I might hate America too. The miracle and the testimony to human generosity and forgiveness is that the vast majority don't.
Someone gave me some crackers for lunch today, which is strange, because I usually eat crackers for breakfast.
This morning, I stand on the sidewalk in front of my former landlord's mansion instead with a sign that reads, "Tear this statue down, Doug Wilder." Too late, I realize I have made an awful mistake and signed the death warrant for my former landlord's beautiful home. Because Richmond city government is a cesspool of incompetence, one day my former landlord will watch in horror as city work crews tear his house down by mistake. All the paperwork will be in order, of course - perfectly legal. And may I see your papers, please...
Update 8/09/06: If I'm going to be arrested on the base of the Stonewall Jackson statue, it's not going to be for displaying a punk-ass sign but for burning a Confederate flag. Of course, I have to wait until the no-burn season ends. Firemen with hoses can be brutal. And of course, things have to build up to an appropriate fever pitch with accompanying media hype. Right now, we're in the phony war phase. Probably what I'll do is buy several flags, start burning them, and then call 9/11 to report a case of symbolic arson at the intersection of Monument and Boulevard. At which point, the dispatcher will ask for the street address since he or she won't know where it is because all 911 calls are now being handled by a computer help center in Benares, India in order to save money. After providing a street address, the dispatcher will ask for the USGS map coordinates. Ten minutes later, Jim Peace will be on the scene and can arrest me. You'll be the hero of Confederate Nazis everywhere, Jim. I don't question you integrity or courage, Jim - just your wisdom. That assumes Jim will still be around which is a safe bet since the mayor and the council except for Martin Jewell are cowards. What else can you can say of someone who's afraid of a country that hasn't existed for 142 years? In any case, such an arrest would be a resume enhancer.
For those of you who want to keep the statues for the tourists, having hung around the statues for weeks, I have only one thing to say: what tourists?
My thanks to Janeane Garofalo, who rocked my world, Red Bull (I was going to give up sugar, but maybe there's room for a Red Bull every once and a while), Dominion Power, for world-class customer support (hey, all those casino lights use a lot of power), CVS (loyal customer since 1965) Walgreen's (loyal customer since 1967), Starbucks, the cashiers at Target and Mr. Lee, for trying to get me off sugar, Jessie at Can Can for helping me eat right, XM Satellite Radio, Richmond Performance Modifications, Harold Durant & crew, Saint Mark's Episcopal Church, and the Richmond Outreach Center.
Update: a member of the rap community has approached me about adding rap to the mix in general and Tupac specifically. Of course - I'm partial to N.W.A. myself. My bad - it only shows how old school I am.
Update: if the Richmond City Council can take a month off in August, so can I.
Update 7/22/2006: I was flying a sign quoting Jesus about a prophet without honor in his own country this morning when a jogger passed by the Stonewall Jackson statue and called out, "You're doing nothing." I yelled at the top of my voice, "Hey, asshole, you're wearing an American flag on your ass. Fuck you. Come back and get some." He declined the offer. I hate these consymps (Confederate symphathizers) and dirty little atheists. Possibly my birthday present from Janeane Garofalo. The woman has a perverse sense of humor. There's something wrong with her limbic system. As I said, I hate these consymps and dirty little atheists.
Update 8/04/06: Even though I have been integrating Richmond public transit since the early nineties, some of my best acquaintances are black, and I am an African-American myself, I occasionally feel guilty about my failure to mix it up. My aim is true, but I'm not hitting the target. Now, thanks to CVS, I have two prospects. They are smart, attractive, ambitious, young - best of class, which seems to be the type of woman who is attracted to me, and vice versa. Hips don't lie. No fighting. There are better uses for fists. If the glove fits, you must...
Mark my words, I'm making progress. Get me to the church on time.
Update 8/07/06:I was flying a sign saying, "Richmond: number one in horse's ass" in front of the Stonewell Jackson statue today when the sign became a self-fulfilling prophecy. A guy in a pickup truck lost it and crossed over from the right side, clipped a car, and then slammed into a building on the left side. I was standing in the median waiting for an officer to take my account when a taxi driver passing by said I should be in a comedy club.
One of the investigating officers said I couldn't display a sign on the statue base or the median because it was a traffic hazard. I was standing with my sign on the median at the time he told me this. The reason I was standing on the median: a police officer told me to do so. To do so on the statue was even worse than on the median, according to the officer. By the same logic, people couldn't have bumper stickers because people would get distracted reading them. This is what passes for Richmond Police Department logic since the sign itself is a traffic hazard. It sits right in the middle of the flow. This is suspicious because I've been doing this for weeks and dozens if not hundreds of police officers have passed by without mentioning this. If true, this suggests the department is negligent or culpable - surprise, surprise - or afraid to tell little ol' me I'm breaking the law. Take your pick. This is what may be what passes for a mild prank in the RPD. The more severe involve backshot suspects "resisting arrest." He asked me what was wrong with the statue, which is what passes for humor in the Richmond Police Department. I told him the fact that he had to ask told me what he was. He may have assumed horse's ass. I meant ignorant cracker. I told him there were a lot like him in the department.
I told the commanding officer on the scene that I was not his officer's "buddy." Overwhelmed with an urge to do the right thing, I confessed to having publicly urinated on the statue base Sunday morning. He declined to take my confession, however. Actually, if it turns out to be true, standing on the street corner would mean standing in front of my former landlord's mansion - and he is a horse's ass, and a greedy one at that, or the First Baptist Church, whose pews are filled with asses on Sunday.
So what have we learned from this: the driver needs to go to traffic school, I need go to a comedy club, and the officer needs to go back to the police academy for a refresher course in customer relations.
Update 8/08/06: Precinct vice commander (I'm more of a vice demander or provider myself) Jim Peace of the Richmond Police Department tells me yesterday morning that while he respects my constitutional right to free expression, it is his interpretation of the traffic law that standing on the Stonewall Jackson statue base with a sign is a violation. Why does the statue have a walkway on it, then? Why was the statue built with room for someone to stand on it? Flying a sign on the statue base is hardly the equivalent of yelling "fire" in a movie theater. What Jim is saying is that he is really, really pissed at my criticism of the RPD and my challenge to their legitimacy and authority. To paraphrase Academy Award winner and recent Hollywood Walk of Famer Jamie Foxx in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs," he's letting his emotions do his thinking. Shoot the messenger, I believe it's called. Or arrest the messenger. The next time I go on the statue base, he will arrest me, he says. I point out that a police car passed by me 15 minutes ago and the officers didn't say anything. He confesses that not all police officers are as energetic and as knowledgeable about the law as he. (The RPD maybe less than thrilled to learn from Monroe Park snitches Sunday that I plan to strut around the statue as a chillingly realistic version of Adolph Hitler - are there any statues of him in Berlin? As Albert Ellis says, same hearse, different license plates.)
Au contraire. I conclude that the many, many police officers in Richmond, the dozens and possibly hundreds, who kept on driving without saying anything in the previous weeks are a lot smarter and more knowledgeable about the law than Jim Peace. Either they are survivors or they are Constitutionalists. Anyone who enforces the Richmond traffic code over the Bill of Rights is a dangerous man with a dangerous mind and should be put down like a mad dog - quickly and dispassionately. (When I say put down, I mean in the pejorative sense rather than the shoot him in the head during a routine traffic stop and hang him by his entrails from the statue as an warning to others sense - don't get excited, that's just an example of police humor.) Jim, I suggest you move to Germany because you would make a good German. With your literal mind, perhaps you could get a job in the Wehrmacht as a file clerk. As preparation, I suggest you read Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland by Christopher R. Browning. It should be required reading for all police officers in America and all file clerks in the Wehrmacht.
Chilling analysis of how a typical unit of German police actually operated during the Holocaust, by Browning (History/Pacific Lutheran Univ.). In March 1942, some 75 to 80 percent of all victims of the Holocaust were still alive. Eleven months later, 75 to 80 percent were dead--the result, Browning says, of ``a short, intense wave of mass murder,'' centered in Poland. During 16 months, Reserve Police Battalion 101, a unit of just over 450 men from Hamburg, was responsible in Poland for the shooting of 39,000 Jews and the deportation to Treblinka of 44,000 more...
What sort of men were they? Browning bases his answers on the judicial interrogation in the 1960's of 210 men from the battalion. They were ordinary men, he finds, on the elderly side, drawn from the lower orders of German society, and few had an education above junior-high-school level. And after examining studies dealing with this phenomenon and evidence of such conduct in other wars, Browning determines that it's not just Nazism or Germans that produces such men: There were American units in the Pacific that boasted of never taking captives. ``If the men of Reserve Police Battalion 101 could become killers under such circumstances,'' he writes, ``what group of men cannot?'' It is the care with which Browning examines the evidence, as well as the soberness of his conclusions, that gives this work such power and impact. - Kirkus Associates,
Sometimes, it's important for officers to know when to enforce the law and when not to. All those other officers - with the exception of one other - passed the test. You failed, Jim. I will do my best to see that that is a career-ending decision on your part you that you will never work in law enforcement in this country again.
Vice commander Peace suggests I might be a test case for the ACLU. I say that David Baugh is too busy defending KKK cross burners and Arab terrorists to take my case. He says he admires David Baugh, which is reason to believe that Jim Peace is also that most dangerous of men - an idealist. I say I don't admire Baugh and that the reason David Baugh defends the KKK is that he hates his own people. The reason he defends Arab terrorists is that he hates America - which I understand. If I were a black man in America, I might hate America too. The miracle and the testimony to human generosity and forgiveness is that the vast majority don't.
Someone gave me some crackers for lunch today, which is strange, because I usually eat crackers for breakfast.
This morning, I stand on the sidewalk in front of my former landlord's mansion instead with a sign that reads, "Tear this statue down, Doug Wilder." Too late, I realize I have made an awful mistake and signed the death warrant for my former landlord's beautiful home. Because Richmond city government is a cesspool of incompetence, one day my former landlord will watch in horror as city work crews tear his house down by mistake. All the paperwork will be in order, of course - perfectly legal. And may I see your papers, please...
Update 8/09/06: If I'm going to be arrested on the base of the Stonewall Jackson statue, it's not going to be for displaying a punk-ass sign but for burning a Confederate flag. Of course, I have to wait until the no-burn season ends. Firemen with hoses can be brutal. And of course, things have to build up to an appropriate fever pitch with accompanying media hype. Right now, we're in the phony war phase. Probably what I'll do is buy several flags, start burning them, and then call 9/11 to report a case of symbolic arson at the intersection of Monument and Boulevard. At which point, the dispatcher will ask for the street address since he or she won't know where it is because all 911 calls are now being handled by a computer help center in Benares, India in order to save money. After providing a street address, the dispatcher will ask for the USGS map coordinates. Ten minutes later, Jim Peace will be on the scene and can arrest me. You'll be the hero of Confederate Nazis everywhere, Jim. I don't question you integrity or courage, Jim - just your wisdom. That assumes Jim will still be around which is a safe bet since the mayor and the council except for Martin Jewell are cowards. What else can you can say of someone who's afraid of a country that hasn't existed for 142 years? In any case, such an arrest would be a resume enhancer.
For those of you who want to keep the statues for the tourists, having hung around the statues for weeks, I have only one thing to say: what tourists?
My thanks to Janeane Garofalo, who rocked my world, Red Bull (I was going to give up sugar, but maybe there's room for a Red Bull every once and a while), Dominion Power, for world-class customer support (hey, all those casino lights use a lot of power), CVS (loyal customer since 1965) Walgreen's (loyal customer since 1967), Starbucks, the cashiers at Target and Mr. Lee, for trying to get me off sugar, Jessie at Can Can for helping me eat right, XM Satellite Radio, Richmond Performance Modifications, Harold Durant & crew, Saint Mark's Episcopal Church, and the Richmond Outreach Center.
June 27, 2006
Businesses, institutions, and individuals that irritate me
Who's the feller owns this shithole? - Clint Eastwood as Billy Munny in "Unforgiven"
I like to provide people, businesses, and individuals that offend me with an option to get off my S-list: I call it the Saw option.
Then we're stupid and we'll die. - Darryl Hannah as Pris in "Bladeruner"
Businesses and institutions that irritate me
Ukrops - Ran Howard Stern out of Richmond. If there's any justice, someone will run the Ukrops family out of town. James and Bobby Purify can avoid the destruction of their businesses and the layoff of their employees by kissing Howard Stern's butt in front of Richmond City Hall on national television and opening their grocery stores on Sundays. Members of the Ukrops family can avoid getting run out of town by denouncing the paterfamilia in the media as provincial rednecks in three piece suits. Send a copy of the article or letter to the editor to CYA, P.O.B. 11242, Richmond, VA 23230 and receive a certificate of exemption.
The Richmond Times-Dispatch - a racist institution that has never apologized for the role of The News-Leader in Massive Resistance.
The Richmond Free Press - Raymond Boone is a bougie coward who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I'm blacker than Raymond Boone. Raymond's response was to run a photo of a guy wearing an American flag hat in the next issue of his newspaper on the front page. My response: kiss the red, blue, and white ass above. You know you want to. Raymond wants a ceasefire now. You should have thought about that before you dissed me, Raymond. No quarter asked, no quarter given. As Meanie's t-shirt says, it's all about "money, power, respect." When I get through with you, you won't have any left. My advice is to cut your losses, sell the newspaper now, and retire to France, where they don't hate American negroes, just Arabs. You could be the next Josephine Baker, Raymond.
Capitol One - predatory lender to the poor
Wachovia
Cavalier Telephone - the Soviet-era Mongolian Ministry of Telecommunications would be proud of these losers
Continental Cable - Apparently anyone with a van and a roll of cable can have a cable company
Wal-mart
The Jefferson Hotel - architectural abomination
Plan Nine - Rich assholes pretending to be punks. I just found out one of these scumbags owns World of Mirth, so I no longer shop there.
The Village Restaurant
Applebee's near Willow Lawn - a mother of one of the employees says they spit in the food. Try Ruby Tuesday's nearby: the waitresses are friendly, attentive, attractive, and professional.
Video Fan - Lousy service. Always out of the video you want, which takes years of professional training. Worst selection of straight porn in the city of Richmond. What does that tell you? Run by a fat, disgusting piece of Eurotrash with poor hygiene. Reminds me of why I hate the French. The only problem I have with the Algerians and the Vietnamese is that they didn't kill enough Frenchmen.
Richmond Re:cycle - politically correct jerkwads. No bike trails for you.
Blogger - Fuckups. I hate fuckups
Google - one day, Google will no longer exist.
Walmart - one day, Walmart will no longer exist, at the request of a postal employee.
Post-Newsweek Company – One day, The Washington Post and its affiliated companies will no longer exist.
Target
Kroger
Yahoo - Yahoo Mail sucks big time. Anti-spam software written by chimps.
DHL - You owe me $100 for that package you failed to get a signature for and which was subsequently stolen during the USPS.
The Hanson Company, LLC – urban revitalization specialists offering apartments in a "quiet" neighborhood - hmmm, that may have been oversold - with the police looking for suspects and people banging on my door and rattling the door knob at 1:45 a.m. Loud parties that last until the middle of the morning. Radios blasting and televisions blaring at 4 a.m. Two dead bodies pulled out of lakes in Byrd Park in recent weeks. Open air drug markets near the Third Precinct. Three months to get a lock fixed. Air conditioner leaking. I hate leaking - on me. Roaches. Sorry, I can't use the S-word - I might get sued.
Play - A company that plays at business. Game over. The only game I play: hardball.
Hardball - speaking of Hardball, I'm never going to appear on Hardball because of your macho stand on torture. At least John McLaughlin was honest: he called the chatterati "whores." Instead, maybe you can get together with those other Irish blowhards, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. Islamofascism: discuss amongst yourselves. However, I do promise I will try to nail your lovely wife.
My name: Friday - Joe Friday.
Atlantic Beacon
River City Renaissance
Fourth Street Diner, Daddy Rabbits, and a strip club to be named at a later date
Federal Realty Investment Trust
Capital Coffee & Deserts - an Irish peasant cursed out George Bernard Shaw after he said that Tom Ridge couldn't run a tri-state Kiwanis convention, let alone the Department of Homeland Security, and he stopped going there.
People that irritate me
Eugene "The Sun King" Trani - Eugene says, "L'universite, c'est moi." To which I say, "Merde." Get your frightener out of the park, Trani. If you resort to extralegal tactics, don't be surprised if other people do too.
Rupert Murdoch - Straighten up and fly left, Rupie, or you'll wind up back in Australia - if they'll take you.
Bob Dylan - asshole and poser. Hasn't done anything interesting since 1969. Woody Guthrie wannabe - not qualified to wipe Woody's butt. Why doesn't someone beat the pretentious crap out of him?
Steve Jobs - world-class asshole and thief
Al Franken - a braying jackass. You're my Sister Souljah, Al. Nothing personal - it's just politics. No, wait, it is personal.
Jim Webb - Manchurian candidate? Anyone that robotic has to be under North Vietnamese mind control
Joe Morrissey - a glutton for punishment
Bruce Springsteen - rich poser, Woody Guthrie wannabe - not qualified to wipe Woodie's butt. If being poor is so virtuous, why don't you give all your money away, asshole? Hasn't done anything interesting since "Tunnel of Love."
Barbra Streisand - I would pay good money to see Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly alternate spanking her anti-American ass on pay-for-view. WHACK! "That's for 'Yentl.'" WHACK! "That's for 'Nuts.'" WHACK! "That's for Jan Smithers." WHACK!
Sam Seder - I would pay good money to see Janeane Garofalo kick Sam Seder in the nuts repeatedly on pay-for view television. Only problem: he might enjoy it. I would pay good money to see Janeane Garofalo kiss Maureen Dowd on the ass on pay-for-view television. Only problem: I know she would enjoy it. Seder, I know about that weekend in New England with you, Nikki, and Janeane. I hired a private detective and I have a photocopy of the bed-and-breakfast guestbook to prove it.
Michael Moore - self-righteous blowhard and pompous windbag. I hope you choke on your next Big Mac, lardass. Janeane Garofalo, a woman notoriously unsuited for broadcasting, admits that the grating sound of her voice drives audiences away. How did she get a job as a correspondent on your television show, "TV Nation"? I can only conclude that she used the only talent she has. That's the awful truth, and for that image that will be seared into my eyeballs forever, I'm going to put your lights out the next time I see you. The humanity...
Robert Kennedy Jr. - Calls Castro "interesting." That's an interesting euphemism for a butcher. Responsible for a whole new class of liberal - beyond the limousine variety - the NIMBY liberal. Who was the Air America programming genius who put a guy who sounds like his throat has been cut on the radio? Slightly less pleasant than Rev. James A. Forbes Jr., the new weekend religious talk show host on AAR. Truly, this is a network with a death wish. Hey, Robert, news flash: your father was an opportunistic weasel and your mother is a heinous bitch.
Joe Lieberman - the Connecticut voters elected a chronic depressive in their infinite wisdom as their senator and now they're dissatisfied with the results?
Bill Clinton - Campaigning for Joe Lieberman. Is there anything you won't do to get back in the White House? Turns out that Monica Lewinsky wasn't the only cocksucker in the Oval Office.
Ted Kennedy - you professed to be against the Iraq War and then you backed a candidate who was for the war and took three years to figure out he was wrong. Ted, you fathead, what is your major malfunction, aside from alcohol?
Glenn Beck - A jackal with the integrity of a hyena. Please, no outraged cards and letters from PETA members. I know - I have impugned jackals and hyenas everywhere. Glenn, you have the blood of tens of thousands of Iraqis and Americans on your hands. The fact that you can sleep at night on that mattress you shill shows there's something deeply wrong with you. You're going to Red Onion where you'll have plenty of solitude to contemplate your sins and and ask God for forgiveness. [At this point, Sean Hannity is beginning to get a little nervous - feeling a little guilty yourself, Sean?] Just don't ask me. Hey, maybe you'll get a book out of it. I could put you in a minimum-security prison where you'd be repeatedly gang-raped by a group of guys named Leroy or Bubba but hey, I'm a nice guy. Don't make the mistake the Jews made with Hitler and fail to take me seriously. Maybe you can catch the same flight to Australia as Rupert Murdoch.
Update: Glenn brings up his five children – a mistake. Yet another reason to put you in a maximum security prison - so you don't reproduce any more.
Mark "Smarmy" Davis
Institutions that irritate me
The Virginia ACLU - David Baugh and the ACULU blew me off twice and now they want to make nice. That train has left the station. You may have forgotten me, but I haven't forgotten you or that blowdried blowhard Kent Willis. My contempt for them is unbounded. One of my goals is to remove them from any position of influence in the ACLU. They are a danger to the civil liberties of Viriginians and Americans everywhere. David Baugh defends the KKK, not because he believes in free expression, but because he hates his people. He defends Arab terrorists because he hates America. Don't come near me, David. Unlike Joe Morrissey, I'll kick your ass. On the other hand, my admiration for Nadine Strossen of the national ACLU is unbounded. Call me. Nadine, honey, is that you?
VCU – Comedy that writes itself: Virginia Commonwealth University President Eugene Trani says that Richmond Mayor Doug Wilder is not beholden to any special interests while VCU pays Wilder $50,000 a year for teaching one class (Richmond Times-Dispatch). The fact that Trani can say this without breaking into gales of desk-slapping laughter is proof that the clown prince of the city has finally found a straight man worthy of his talents. Hey, if I were dogging as many wives of rich white men as Doug, I'd want eight police bodyguards too. I'm going to turn VCU into a community college in southwest Virginia. Hey, I'm going to tear down those badly-designed buildings because I need the space for casinos. All Doug and Eugene have to do to save VCU is to kiss each other's asses at City Hall in front of television cameras. Fire Eugene and make Antonia FD Vassar president.
MCV School of Dentistry - start handing out free dental dams for safe sex or I'm going to move you to Saltville.
The State Police - rednecks in grey uniforms.
The Henrico Police Department - rednecks in grey uniforms. I'm beginning to see a trend...
The Richmond Police Department: corrupt, brutal, authoritarian, arrest-happy, trigger-happy, murderous, badly trained, overweight, out-of-shape, inefficient. What's not to like? I rarely see RPD and HPD at the Krispy Kreme on West Broad Street. That's one reason I go there - that and the dee-licious doughnuts. Mmmm, doughnuts. We know why Homer Simpson and Chief Wiggum are so fat, but why are the RPD and VCU police? What are these guys eating, if not doughnuts? Fried lard? (I knew a guy who acutally ate fried lard: a Chinese astrophysicist. We watched the Tiannemen Square Massacre together. It was a moving experience. Afterwards, he wanted to move to the U.S.) They've got more junk in their trunks than Fred Sanford's scrap yard. Newsflash: 911 is still a joke.
The Richmond Sheriff's Department - you tried to kill me. The penalty for that is...
5100 Monument Avenue, a condominium
Formerly irritating
The Red Light Inn
Chetti's Clam House
Title card for "Unforgiven": Some years later, Mrs. Ansonia Feathers made the arduous journey to Hodgeman County to visit the last resting place of her only daughter. William Munny had long since disappeared with the children... some said to San Francisco where it was rumored he prospered in dry goods. And there was nothing on the marker to explain to Mrs. Feathers why her only daughter had married a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.
Thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her rages, vindictiveness, violence, ruthlessness, capriciousness, cruelty, and killer instinct - and those are her good qualities...
My city council and mayorial platform (Richmond, Virginia)
A world-class city
A city with a European flavor like San Francisco
A 24-7 city
Rezone downtown for loud music, clubs, and casinos.
You can't build a new building in the city of Richmond without fixing up an old one
A green, sustainable, cool city
New urbanism
A Richmond renaissance
A public atmosphere of trust and honesty as in Japan (you can leave property in public spaces and people return it)
A center for writing, painting, the arts, multimedia, fashion, music, and movie and television production
Annex Henrico County - one day the county of Henrico will no longer exist
Ban private cars from Richmond
Ban combution-powered leaf blowers and cutters
Vehicle idling in the city of Richmond gets you a ticket
Privatize Richmond's gas business. Rents are not allowed to include utilities.
Car-sharing
Legalize golf carts
Free bus, monorail, subway, trolley, jitney, and light rail rides. Higher pay for transit drivers. Establish a transit police. Quiet engines for buses.
Education: schools for professional basketball, rap, pop-American Idol style, and any other areas requested by students. Courses in how to get on reality television shows and win. No truancy. The only people in schools are people who want to learn. Ask customers (students) what they want to learn.
Remove Confederate statues, memorials, museums, and symbols.
Rename Monument Avenue "Soul Street" and put up statues to blues, rhythm and blues, jazz, and rap artists.
A revitalized retail core. You can buy anything you want in downtown Richmond
Recycling centers in every community where people can bring items they no longer want and pick up items they do
Legalized gambling, prostitution, and pornography
Universal health care
Access to free and nutritional food for all (one person at a local soup kitchen who was robbed of $300 at bus stop observed construction workers who could afford to eat in restaurants. A 22-year-old homeless man returning to Winchester, VA for housing and employment opportunities he couldn't find in Richmond observed that at least you don't have to worry about starving to death in Richmond.)
Educate the African-American community on making healthy food choices
Classes on creating taught in public schools
Classes taught on how to be homeless and a hobo
Tax restaurants based on their fat and sugar content
Public bathrooms readily available
Napstations where people can sleep any time
Stop penalizing people for exercising natural human functions
Free basic Wi-Fi Internet access
Free minimum housing
Guaranteed annual income (one person at a local soup kitchen says the only reason he works is for the love of money. If he had a GAI, he would sit around and do nothing. Another person with a GAI says that's what he does. On the other hand, you wouldn't have to take a job you didn't want to if you had a guaranteed income. Tou could put together a band and practice with a guarenteed income. The band UB-40 is named after the title of the British unemployment form.)
A living wage for all employees
All city employees must live in the city
Abolish the Richmond Police, Sheriff's Department, and Ambulance Authority and consolidate their functions into the Richmond Public Safety Department. Institute Civilian Police Review Board. Officers are paid the highest salaries in the country.
As a nude model of mine, Sasha Zentra, once told me, "You get what you pay for." No moonlighting.
Every resident is randomly chosen to go to jail for a week once in their lifetime - like jury duty, only more entertaining. Betch the jail gets fixed up super quick.
Election days are holidays. Paper trail for electronic voting.
Remove the Harry Byrd statue from the state Capitol (belongs in my platform for governor, I guess)
My thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her guidance
A city with a European flavor like San Francisco
A 24-7 city
Rezone downtown for loud music, clubs, and casinos.
You can't build a new building in the city of Richmond without fixing up an old one
A green, sustainable, cool city
New urbanism
A Richmond renaissance
A public atmosphere of trust and honesty as in Japan (you can leave property in public spaces and people return it)
A center for writing, painting, the arts, multimedia, fashion, music, and movie and television production
Annex Henrico County - one day the county of Henrico will no longer exist
Ban private cars from Richmond
Ban combution-powered leaf blowers and cutters
Vehicle idling in the city of Richmond gets you a ticket
Privatize Richmond's gas business. Rents are not allowed to include utilities.
Car-sharing
Legalize golf carts
Free bus, monorail, subway, trolley, jitney, and light rail rides. Higher pay for transit drivers. Establish a transit police. Quiet engines for buses.
Education: schools for professional basketball, rap, pop-American Idol style, and any other areas requested by students. Courses in how to get on reality television shows and win. No truancy. The only people in schools are people who want to learn. Ask customers (students) what they want to learn.
Remove Confederate statues, memorials, museums, and symbols.
Rename Monument Avenue "Soul Street" and put up statues to blues, rhythm and blues, jazz, and rap artists.
A revitalized retail core. You can buy anything you want in downtown Richmond
Recycling centers in every community where people can bring items they no longer want and pick up items they do
Legalized gambling, prostitution, and pornography
Universal health care
Access to free and nutritional food for all (one person at a local soup kitchen who was robbed of $300 at bus stop observed construction workers who could afford to eat in restaurants. A 22-year-old homeless man returning to Winchester, VA for housing and employment opportunities he couldn't find in Richmond observed that at least you don't have to worry about starving to death in Richmond.)
Educate the African-American community on making healthy food choices
Classes on creating taught in public schools
Classes taught on how to be homeless and a hobo
Tax restaurants based on their fat and sugar content
Public bathrooms readily available
Napstations where people can sleep any time
Stop penalizing people for exercising natural human functions
Free basic Wi-Fi Internet access
Free minimum housing
Guaranteed annual income (one person at a local soup kitchen says the only reason he works is for the love of money. If he had a GAI, he would sit around and do nothing. Another person with a GAI says that's what he does. On the other hand, you wouldn't have to take a job you didn't want to if you had a guaranteed income. Tou could put together a band and practice with a guarenteed income. The band UB-40 is named after the title of the British unemployment form.)
A living wage for all employees
All city employees must live in the city
Abolish the Richmond Police, Sheriff's Department, and Ambulance Authority and consolidate their functions into the Richmond Public Safety Department. Institute Civilian Police Review Board. Officers are paid the highest salaries in the country.
As a nude model of mine, Sasha Zentra, once told me, "You get what you pay for." No moonlighting.
Every resident is randomly chosen to go to jail for a week once in their lifetime - like jury duty, only more entertaining. Betch the jail gets fixed up super quick.
Election days are holidays. Paper trail for electronic voting.
Remove the Harry Byrd statue from the state Capitol (belongs in my platform for governor, I guess)
My thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her guidance
June 26, 2006
My presidential platform
Would you listen to my audition piece... yeah? - Uma Thurman in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs"
The White House will spend one year in the Mississippi Delta, one year at the Ogala Sioux Nation, one year at the Navaho Nation, one year in Compton, California, and one year in Harlan County, West Virginia.
Janeane Garofalo as vice president
Howard Dean, health czar: Surgeon-General, Secretary of Health, CDC, NIH
• Early childhood intervention
• Universal and portable health insurance
• War on STDs
• No sound levels above 98 decibels
• Good nutrition for all. Tax restaurants and food producers based on the fat and sugar content of their food.
Michelle Stuchell as White House Chief of Staff
Lisa Schaffner as White House news secretary.
Backup quarterback: Julia Stiles lookalike Joanna "You might you make the carnage a little less upbeat" Massee, Channel 8 weekend news anchor. No photograph: the one from Channel 8 makes her look like a Stepford Wife. [Update 7/28/06: I was down at the Federal Courthouse with Larry Syverson, who was getting profiled by NHK, the BBC of Japanese television. Apparently there was another story getting covered by several news crews. How hot was it? So hot that a Channel 8 reporter had opened her suit jacket, revealing her camisole. Not something you see on Channel 8. More's the pity - the ratings might go up. Someone once wrote that the goal of women TV news reporters was to look intelligent but slutty. This reporter looked intelligent and tres elegant.
Third string quarterback in case Lisa and Joanna have to be put down for terminal perkiness: Sabrina Squire oc Channel 12, Richmond.
Backup backup backup quarterback: Cheryl Miller. Though she annoyed me with her know-nothing comments about Microsoft and monopoly and cohabitation, she's telegenic and articulate. The only downside is her bad case of Hillary Clinton knees, which can hidden under a podium.
Lisa, Joanna, Sabrina, and Cheryl,l please don't send me any more secret messages intended through the tv. I broke my television in a fit of rage. Funny, I don't look like Elvis...
Valerie Davis as White House photographer:
Katherine Lanpher as Secretary for Women
Jocelyn Elders as Secretary for Sex and Relationships Education - "Let's talk about sex."
Juan Cole as Secretary of State
Laura Flanders as National Security Advisor
Janeane Garofalo as Secretary of War
Dale Dye as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Lee Ermey as Marine Corps Commandant
Creation of Polar BEARS - high altitude search and rescue, artic and mountain warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Canada, Russia, Tibet, China.
Creation of Jungle CATS - jungle search and rescue, jungle warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Latin America and Africa.
Creation of Desert RATS - desert search and resuce, desert warfar, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the overthrow of the Saudi monarchy and the liberation of Saharan Africa.
Garrie Rouse as Secretary of Peace - the Peace Department has the same budget as the Department of War
Larry Syverson as Secretary for Veterans Affairs
Richard Clarke, Homeland Security
Christina M. Rebeil, abogado, Secretary of Immigration
Robert Reich as Secretary of Labor
George Wellde as Secretary of the Treasury
Robert Holland as Secretary of Commerce
Rachel Maddow as Attorney General of the Justice Department
First nominee to the Supreme Court: CarminaGitana
Valerie Plame as director of the CIA
Randi Rhodes runs Secret Service
Tyla Matteson as Secretary for the Environment
Carrie Belt runs the National Park Service
Steve Earle as Secretary for the Arts
Kelly Justice runs the Library of Congress
Sangeeta Kumar as Secretary for the Animals
Lizz Winstead as Secretary of Communications
Richard Freeman as chairman of the FCC, Brian Maloney as a member of the FCC
James Perley as Secretary of Agriculture
Bill Davis runs U.S. Forestry Service
Amory Lovins as Secretary of Energy
Bradford Worthington as Secretary of Transportation
Riley O'Connor runs Amtrak
Larry E. Mann as car czar
Martin Jewell as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Robert Fritz as Secretary of Education
Bill Gates as Secretary of Technology
Lee Marek as Secretary of Science
Tony Hillerman as Secretary of Indian Affairs
Julian Bond as Secretary of Welfare
Mike Wallace and Morley Safer, U.S. Inspector General: uncovers and prosecutes government waste and fraud, protects whistle-blowers
Anderson Cooper runs Emergency Management Authority AKA FEMA
Bono as president of the World Bank
Ty Walker as political advisor
Chuck D as ambassador to the Indian Nations
Thalia Assuras as ambassador to Canada
Angelina Jolie as ambassador to the UN
Catherine Bell as ambassador to Iran
Gwyneth Paltrow as ambassador to Britain
Maureen Dowd as ambassador to Ireland
Nelson Britto as ambassador to Portugal
Marc Maron as ambassador to Israel
Lewis Lapham as ambassador to Germany
Juju Chang as ambassador to Korea
Uma Thurman as ambassador to Sweden
Robert Shih as ambassador to China
Stephen Cohen as ambassador to Russia
Merina as ambassador to Vietnam
In the dugout: Mr. Lee and crew, Pastor John and Linda Rains, Mrs. Galloway and crew, the Freedom House crew, Harold Durant & crew, Warren Pence, Kari of Kari's Coffee Shop, Chris Lavach, Juan Conde, Mary Fitzgerald, Lani Guanier, Mr. Pax Christi, Gail Nardi, Ellen Qualls, Joe Wilson, Pete Humes, Mark Riley, Bill Crowley, Jim Thompson, Isobel Swift, Wesley Snipes, Dwight Yoakam, Clint Eastwood, Suzanna Rexroat, Nichole Herbig, Christy and Andrea of Richmond Food Not Bombs and crew, Painter Babe and Michelle of Betsy's, CVS Somali Babe, Travis Stansbury, Bo, Mark, Starvin' Marvin, Bubba, Sharon, Rachel, Ed, Robin Hood, Wes, Meanie, Cliff, Coach, Daryl, the Brooklyn Slap-Fighter, Josh the Rabbi on MRR, Jessie and Le Grand Blonde avec deux Chaussure Noire (hey, the kid's all right) at Can Can.
Privatize mail and package delivery. FedEx, UPS, and DHL deliveries can be made to USPS P.O. boxes. Mailboxes accept FedEx, UPS, and DHL packages and mail. In addition to delivering mail and packages, add banking services to USPS post offices: check cashing, free checking, and micro, small, and payday loans. Make post offices outlets for online auction services. One-stop shopping for U.S. government services such as passports. Recycling centers where people can bring items they no longer want and get items they do. Mail chute on USPS vehicles.
Energy independence
Ban NASCAR
Ban internal combustion-powered leaf blowers and cutters
Green, cool, sustainable cities
Legalize natural lawns
Sensible coastal and flood plain use
Nation-building
Abolish the FBI and replace it with the equivalent of MI5, MI6, and Criminal or National Bureau of Investigation.
Open borders with Canada and Latin America as in the European Union. If you can make it to the United States, you become a U.S. citizen. No dual citizenship.
Overthrow of the English monarchy - I'm only doing this because I want to see Gwyneth Paltrow on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Independence for French Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Thalia Assuras on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a French Canadian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Annex Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Pamela Anderson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a United States flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Overthrow of the Iranian mullahs - I'm only doing this because I want to see Catherine Bell on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Destruction or reconstruction of the state of Israel – I'm only doing this because I want to see Marc Maron's wife on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Palestinian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. The state of Israel can get of the hook by hanging everyone in the chain of command for the deliberate attack on the USS Liberty, the Qana massacre, and the UN observation post in Khiam up to and including Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Only if Israel allowed the right of return, paid for the lands they stole, and became a secular state with no religious tests and religious freedom, including the right to proselytize do I see any reason for it to continue as a country or as a UN protectorate.
Reunification of Ireland - I'm only doing this because I want to see Maureen Dowd on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Irish flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Overthrow of Communist Cuba - I'm only doing this because I want to see Rosario Dawson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Cuban flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. There's nothing wrong with Cuba that can't be fixed by bigger donkeys.
Overthrow of Communist China, North Korea, and Vietnam. Free Tibet and Burma.
A living wage
Universal and portable retirement
Abortion: safe, legal, never
It takes a village to raise a child
All access and full rehabilitation for the handicapped
Expanded stem cell research
Felons have their rights restored on release
Elections are holidays
Public financing of election campaigns
Paper trail on electronic voting
Animal rights
No speed limits on interstates
Everyone rides for free on Amtrak. Dedicated funding for Amtrak.
Protection of the rights to bear arms, free expression, unreasonable search and seizure, an open Internet, and the Bill of Rights in general. Free speech includes individual, commercial, religious (including the right to proselytize), political, and abusive.
Marriage as a civil ceremony
• Polygamy
• Polyandry
• Gay marriage
• Trial marriage
Legalize drugs
Legalize prostitution
Legalize pornography
Legalize gays in the military
Remove all Confederal memorials and monuments in the United States
Abolish the Federal Reserve
Flat tax - your income tax form on a postcard. Look, ma, I'm triangulating!
Free trade, fair trade
Nationalize Walmart and sell the assets to other chain discount stores
Nationalize Capital One and sell the assets to other credit card companies
Expropriate Steve Jobs' wealth from Apple and Pixar and return it to the people he stole it from. Establish a Truth Commission to redistribute his ill-gotten gains
Eradicate spam
Eradicate pests and vermin
Give George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and Tommy Franks a full, fair, and legal trial for Iraq war crimes and then hang them by the neck until they are dead.
Give Henry Kissinger a full, fair, and legal trial for high crimes and misdemeanors, including treason, and crimes against humanity and then hang him by the neck until he is dead.
Campaign
Political advisor: Ty Walker
When I tour the western states, I'm going to play Toby Keith's "I Should Have Been A Cowboy" as my entrance song, juxtaposed with photos of massacred Indians and forced marches on a big screen.
Update: I got a motorcycle escort Saturday night, which was premature or a foreshadowing. At the time I met that pilot of Marine One last year I thought it was because Janeane Garofalo was destined to be president - chronicle of a life foretold and all that. Now it occurs to me that the Marine pilot was multitasking.
My thanks for Janeane Garofalo for nagging me to stop being a hobo.
The White House will spend one year in the Mississippi Delta, one year at the Ogala Sioux Nation, one year at the Navaho Nation, one year in Compton, California, and one year in Harlan County, West Virginia.
Janeane Garofalo as vice president
Howard Dean, health czar: Surgeon-General, Secretary of Health, CDC, NIH
• Early childhood intervention
• Universal and portable health insurance
• War on STDs
• No sound levels above 98 decibels
• Good nutrition for all. Tax restaurants and food producers based on the fat and sugar content of their food.
Michelle Stuchell as White House Chief of Staff
Lisa Schaffner as White House news secretary.
Backup quarterback: Julia Stiles lookalike Joanna "You might you make the carnage a little less upbeat" Massee, Channel 8 weekend news anchor. No photograph: the one from Channel 8 makes her look like a Stepford Wife. [Update 7/28/06: I was down at the Federal Courthouse with Larry Syverson, who was getting profiled by NHK, the BBC of Japanese television. Apparently there was another story getting covered by several news crews. How hot was it? So hot that a Channel 8 reporter had opened her suit jacket, revealing her camisole. Not something you see on Channel 8. More's the pity - the ratings might go up. Someone once wrote that the goal of women TV news reporters was to look intelligent but slutty. This reporter looked intelligent and tres elegant.
Third string quarterback in case Lisa and Joanna have to be put down for terminal perkiness: Sabrina Squire oc Channel 12, Richmond.
Backup backup backup quarterback: Cheryl Miller. Though she annoyed me with her know-nothing comments about Microsoft and monopoly and cohabitation, she's telegenic and articulate. The only downside is her bad case of Hillary Clinton knees, which can hidden under a podium.
Lisa, Joanna, Sabrina, and Cheryl,l please don't send me any more secret messages intended through the tv. I broke my television in a fit of rage. Funny, I don't look like Elvis...
Valerie Davis as White House photographer:
Katherine Lanpher as Secretary for Women
Jocelyn Elders as Secretary for Sex and Relationships Education - "Let's talk about sex."
Juan Cole as Secretary of State
Laura Flanders as National Security Advisor
Janeane Garofalo as Secretary of War
Dale Dye as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Lee Ermey as Marine Corps Commandant
Creation of Polar BEARS - high altitude search and rescue, artic and mountain warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Canada, Russia, Tibet, China.
Creation of Jungle CATS - jungle search and rescue, jungle warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Latin America and Africa.
Creation of Desert RATS - desert search and resuce, desert warfar, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the overthrow of the Saudi monarchy and the liberation of Saharan Africa.
Garrie Rouse as Secretary of Peace - the Peace Department has the same budget as the Department of War
Larry Syverson as Secretary for Veterans Affairs
Richard Clarke, Homeland Security
Christina M. Rebeil, abogado, Secretary of Immigration
Robert Reich as Secretary of Labor
George Wellde as Secretary of the Treasury
Robert Holland as Secretary of Commerce
Rachel Maddow as Attorney General of the Justice Department
First nominee to the Supreme Court: CarminaGitana
Valerie Plame as director of the CIA
Randi Rhodes runs Secret Service
Tyla Matteson as Secretary for the Environment
Carrie Belt runs the National Park Service
Steve Earle as Secretary for the Arts
Kelly Justice runs the Library of Congress
Sangeeta Kumar as Secretary for the Animals
Lizz Winstead as Secretary of Communications
Richard Freeman as chairman of the FCC, Brian Maloney as a member of the FCC
James Perley as Secretary of Agriculture
Bill Davis runs U.S. Forestry Service
Amory Lovins as Secretary of Energy
Bradford Worthington as Secretary of Transportation
Riley O'Connor runs Amtrak
Larry E. Mann as car czar
Martin Jewell as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Robert Fritz as Secretary of Education
Bill Gates as Secretary of Technology
Lee Marek as Secretary of Science
Tony Hillerman as Secretary of Indian Affairs
Julian Bond as Secretary of Welfare
Mike Wallace and Morley Safer, U.S. Inspector General: uncovers and prosecutes government waste and fraud, protects whistle-blowers
Anderson Cooper runs Emergency Management Authority AKA FEMA
Bono as president of the World Bank
Ty Walker as political advisor
Chuck D as ambassador to the Indian Nations
Thalia Assuras as ambassador to Canada
Angelina Jolie as ambassador to the UN
Catherine Bell as ambassador to Iran
Gwyneth Paltrow as ambassador to Britain
Maureen Dowd as ambassador to Ireland
Nelson Britto as ambassador to Portugal
Marc Maron as ambassador to Israel
Lewis Lapham as ambassador to Germany
Juju Chang as ambassador to Korea
Uma Thurman as ambassador to Sweden
Robert Shih as ambassador to China
Stephen Cohen as ambassador to Russia
Merina as ambassador to Vietnam
In the dugout: Mr. Lee and crew, Pastor John and Linda Rains, Mrs. Galloway and crew, the Freedom House crew, Harold Durant & crew, Warren Pence, Kari of Kari's Coffee Shop, Chris Lavach, Juan Conde, Mary Fitzgerald, Lani Guanier, Mr. Pax Christi, Gail Nardi, Ellen Qualls, Joe Wilson, Pete Humes, Mark Riley, Bill Crowley, Jim Thompson, Isobel Swift, Wesley Snipes, Dwight Yoakam, Clint Eastwood, Suzanna Rexroat, Nichole Herbig, Christy and Andrea of Richmond Food Not Bombs and crew, Painter Babe and Michelle of Betsy's, CVS Somali Babe, Travis Stansbury, Bo, Mark, Starvin' Marvin, Bubba, Sharon, Rachel, Ed, Robin Hood, Wes, Meanie, Cliff, Coach, Daryl, the Brooklyn Slap-Fighter, Josh the Rabbi on MRR, Jessie and Le Grand Blonde avec deux Chaussure Noire (hey, the kid's all right) at Can Can.
Privatize mail and package delivery. FedEx, UPS, and DHL deliveries can be made to USPS P.O. boxes. Mailboxes accept FedEx, UPS, and DHL packages and mail. In addition to delivering mail and packages, add banking services to USPS post offices: check cashing, free checking, and micro, small, and payday loans. Make post offices outlets for online auction services. One-stop shopping for U.S. government services such as passports. Recycling centers where people can bring items they no longer want and get items they do. Mail chute on USPS vehicles.
Energy independence
Ban NASCAR
Ban internal combustion-powered leaf blowers and cutters
Green, cool, sustainable cities
Legalize natural lawns
Sensible coastal and flood plain use
Nation-building
Abolish the FBI and replace it with the equivalent of MI5, MI6, and Criminal or National Bureau of Investigation.
Open borders with Canada and Latin America as in the European Union. If you can make it to the United States, you become a U.S. citizen. No dual citizenship.
A plague on you. A plague on the whole stinking lot of ya, without morals or laws. And all you whores got no laws. You got no honor. It's no wonder you all emigrated to America, because they wouldn't have you in England. You're a lot of savages, that's what you all are. A bunch of bloody savages. A plague on you. I'll be back. – English Bob in "Unforgiven"
Overthrow of the English monarchy - I'm only doing this because I want to see Gwyneth Paltrow on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Independence for French Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Thalia Assuras on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a French Canadian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Annex Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Pamela Anderson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a United States flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Overthrow of the Iranian mullahs - I'm only doing this because I want to see Catherine Bell on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Destruction or reconstruction of the state of Israel – I'm only doing this because I want to see Marc Maron's wife on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Palestinian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. The state of Israel can get of the hook by hanging everyone in the chain of command for the deliberate attack on the USS Liberty, the Qana massacre, and the UN observation post in Khiam up to and including Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Only if Israel allowed the right of return, paid for the lands they stole, and became a secular state with no religious tests and religious freedom, including the right to proselytize do I see any reason for it to continue as a country or as a UN protectorate.
Reunification of Ireland - I'm only doing this because I want to see Maureen Dowd on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Irish flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.
Overthrow of Communist Cuba - I'm only doing this because I want to see Rosario Dawson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Cuban flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. There's nothing wrong with Cuba that can't be fixed by bigger donkeys.
Overthrow of Communist China, North Korea, and Vietnam. Free Tibet and Burma.
A living wage
Universal and portable retirement
Abortion: safe, legal, never
It takes a village to raise a child
All access and full rehabilitation for the handicapped
Expanded stem cell research
Felons have their rights restored on release
Elections are holidays
Public financing of election campaigns
Paper trail on electronic voting
Animal rights
No speed limits on interstates
Everyone rides for free on Amtrak. Dedicated funding for Amtrak.
Protection of the rights to bear arms, free expression, unreasonable search and seizure, an open Internet, and the Bill of Rights in general. Free speech includes individual, commercial, religious (including the right to proselytize), political, and abusive.
Marriage as a civil ceremony
• Polygamy
• Polyandry
• Gay marriage
• Trial marriage
Legalize drugs
Legalize prostitution
Legalize pornography
Legalize gays in the military
Remove all Confederal memorials and monuments in the United States
Abolish the Federal Reserve
Flat tax - your income tax form on a postcard. Look, ma, I'm triangulating!
Free trade, fair trade
Nationalize Walmart and sell the assets to other chain discount stores
Nationalize Capital One and sell the assets to other credit card companies
Expropriate Steve Jobs' wealth from Apple and Pixar and return it to the people he stole it from. Establish a Truth Commission to redistribute his ill-gotten gains
Eradicate spam
Eradicate pests and vermin
Give George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and Tommy Franks a full, fair, and legal trial for Iraq war crimes and then hang them by the neck until they are dead.
Give Henry Kissinger a full, fair, and legal trial for high crimes and misdemeanors, including treason, and crimes against humanity and then hang him by the neck until he is dead.
Campaign
Political advisor: Ty Walker
When I tour the western states, I'm going to play Toby Keith's "I Should Have Been A Cowboy" as my entrance song, juxtaposed with photos of massacred Indians and forced marches on a big screen.
Update: I got a motorcycle escort Saturday night, which was premature or a foreshadowing. At the time I met that pilot of Marine One last year I thought it was because Janeane Garofalo was destined to be president - chronicle of a life foretold and all that. Now it occurs to me that the Marine pilot was multitasking.
My thanks for Janeane Garofalo for nagging me to stop being a hobo.
June 20, 2006
Let it burn
The Confederate deNazification Commission will burn a Confederate flag in front of the Jefferson Davis statue at the intersection of Monument and Davis every week until all Confederate monuments, memorials, museums, flags, and names are removed from the city of Richmond, Virginia. This demand is nonnegotiable. That is all.
June 19, 2006
Gone with the wind
Someone has the idea that I have an interest in the Jefferson Hotel, or feel that I should. Apparently they got this from the same place they got the belief that I'm gay or bisexual: out of their butt. If I liked the Jefferson, I would go there.
The sad thing is there are people in Richmond who actually think the Jefferson is shit hot, as the top guns say. Yeah, the Tobacco Company isn't a tourist trap but a fine dining experience, HAR, HAR, HAR. The Jefferson got me in trouble with the Virginia Film Commission over some vindictive petty crap. Both of them can kiss my black Irish ass. The Jefferson is an architectural eyesore and I look forward to the day when bulldozers reduce it to a pile of smoking rubble after it has been thoroughly looted, Baghdad-style. If you're planning to stage any emotionally significant events such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, and anniversaries, your safest bet is Richmond's only four-diamond luxury hotel, the Berkeley, in Shockhoe Slip. There'll be a tank parked in front of it come the Revolution, HAW, HAW, HAW.
The Jefferson was a mediocre hotel but I'm sure it will be a world-class parking lot. Supposedly the staircase inspired the one in "Gone with the Wind." All the more reason to wish the same fate for the Jefferson. I hate that old Southern crapola. I was born in Washington, D.C. and grew up in Northern Virginia, which seceded from the CSA in 1865.
Niggaz are scared of revolution
The Last Poets were at the Juneteenth Freedom Celebration Friday. I got this info from a flyer at the Urban League. The flyer reads, "Still searching for empowerment 143 years after emancipation." Huh? If you haven't found empowerment 143 years after emancipation, you've got bigger problems than Jim Webb's stand on affirmative action. If the uptight little old ladies there knew what the Last Poets were about, they probably would have been burning those fliers in a steel drum in the back rather than manning the front desk. I missed the performance, but any appearance is worth a repeat of their best spoken word effort, still relevant today. This is dedicated to all my African-American friends hanging out in Monroe Park and the Daily Planet parking lot and the little old ladies at the Urban League.
Niggers are scared of revolution
But niggers shouldn't be scared of revolution
Because revolution is nothing but change
And all niggers do is change
Niggers come in from work and change into pimping clothes
and hit the streets to make some quick change
Niggers change their hair from black to red to blond
and hope like hell their looks will change
Nigger kill other niggers
Just because one didn't receive the correct change
Niggers change from men to women, from women to men
Niggers change, change, change
You hear niggers say
Things are changing? Things are changing?
Yeah, things are changing
Niggers change into 'Black' nigger things
Black nigger things that go through all kinds of changes
The change in the day that makes them rant and rave
Black Power! Black Power!
And the change that comes over them at night, as they sigh and moan:
White thighs, ooh, white thighs
Niggers always goin' through bullshit change
But when it comes for real change,
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are actors, niggers are actors
Niggers act like they are in a hurry
to catch the first act of the 'Great White Hope'
Niggers try to act like Malcolm
And when the white man doesn't react
toward them like he did Malcolm
Niggers want to act violently
Niggers act so coooool and slick
causing white people to say:
What makes you niggers act like that?
Niggers act like you ain't never seen nobody act before
But when it comes to acting out revolution
Niggers say: 'I can't dig them actions!'
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about getting high and riding around in 'els'
Niggers should get high and ride to hell
Niggers talk about pimping
Pimping that, pimping what
Pimping yours, pimping mine
Just to be pimping, is a helluva line
Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about the mind
Talk about: My mind is stronger than yours
"I got that bitch's mind uptight!"
Niggers don't know a damn thing about the mind
Or they'd be right
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers fuck. Niggers fuck, fuck, fuck
Niggers love the word fuck
They think it's so fuckin' cute
They fuck you around
The first thing they say when they're mad: 'Fuck it'
You play a little too much with them
They say 'Fuck you'
When it's time to TCB,
Niggers are somewhere fucking
Try to be nice to them, they fuck over you
Niggers don't realize while they doin' all this fucking
They're getting fucked around
And when they do realize it's too late
So niggers just get fucked up
Niggers talk about fucking
Fuckin' that, fuckin' this, fuckin' yours, fuckin' my sis
Not knowing what they're fucking for
They ain't fucking for love and appreciation
Just fucking to be fucking.
Niggers fuck white thighs, black thighs, yellow thighs, brown thighs
Niggers fuck ankles when they run out of thighs
Niggers fuck Sally, Linda, and Sue
And if you don't watch out
Niggers will fuck you!
Niggers would fuck 'Fuck' if it could be fucked
But when it comes to fucking for revolutionary causes
Niggers say 'Fuck revolution!'
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are players, niggers are players, are players
Niggers play football, baseball and basketball
while the white man cuttin' off their balls
When the nigger's play ain't tight enough
to play with some black thighs,
Niggers play with white thighs
to see if they still have some play left
And when there ain't no white thighs to play with
Niggers play with themselves
Niggers tell you they're ready to be liberated
But when you say 'Let's go take our liberation'
Niggers reply: 'I was just playin'
Niggers are playing with revolution and losing
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers do a lot of shootin'
Niggers do a lot of shootin'
Niggers shoot off at the mouth
Niggers shoot pool, niggers shoot craps
Niggers cut around the corner and shoot down the street
Niggers shoot sharp glances at white women
Niggers shoot dope into their arm
Niggers shoot guns and rifles on New Year's Eve
A new year that is coming in
The white police will do more shooting at them
Where are niggers when the revolution needs some shots!?
Yeah, you know. Niggers are somewhere shootin' the shit
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are lovers, niggers are lovers are lovers
Niggers love to see Clark Gable
make love to Marilyn Monroe
Niggers love to see Tarzan fuck all the natives
Niggers love to hear the Lone Ranger yell "Heigh Ho Silver!"
Niggers love commercials, niggers love commercials
Oh how niggers love commercials:
"You can take niggers out of the country, but
you can't take the country out of niggers"
Niggers are lovers, are lovers, are lovers
Niggers loved to hear Malcolm rap
But they didn't love Malcolm
Niggers love everything but themselves
But I'm a lover too, yes I'm a lover too
I love niggers, I love niggers, I love niggers
Because niggers are me
And I should only love that which is me
I love to see niggers go through changes
Love to see niggers act
Love to see niggers make them plays and shoot the shit
But there is one thing about niggers I do not love
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are scared of revolution
But niggers shouldn't be scared of revolution
Because revolution is nothing but change
And all niggers do is change
Niggers come in from work and change into pimping clothes
and hit the streets to make some quick change
Niggers change their hair from black to red to blond
and hope like hell their looks will change
Nigger kill other niggers
Just because one didn't receive the correct change
Niggers change from men to women, from women to men
Niggers change, change, change
You hear niggers say
Things are changing? Things are changing?
Yeah, things are changing
Niggers change into 'Black' nigger things
Black nigger things that go through all kinds of changes
The change in the day that makes them rant and rave
Black Power! Black Power!
And the change that comes over them at night, as they sigh and moan:
White thighs, ooh, white thighs
Niggers always goin' through bullshit change
But when it comes for real change,
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are actors, niggers are actors
Niggers act like they are in a hurry
to catch the first act of the 'Great White Hope'
Niggers try to act like Malcolm
And when the white man doesn't react
toward them like he did Malcolm
Niggers want to act violently
Niggers act so coooool and slick
causing white people to say:
What makes you niggers act like that?
Niggers act like you ain't never seen nobody act before
But when it comes to acting out revolution
Niggers say: 'I can't dig them actions!'
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about getting high and riding around in 'els'
Niggers should get high and ride to hell
Niggers talk about pimping
Pimping that, pimping what
Pimping yours, pimping mine
Just to be pimping, is a helluva line
Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about the mind
Talk about: My mind is stronger than yours
"I got that bitch's mind uptight!"
Niggers don't know a damn thing about the mind
Or they'd be right
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers fuck. Niggers fuck, fuck, fuck
Niggers love the word fuck
They think it's so fuckin' cute
They fuck you around
The first thing they say when they're mad: 'Fuck it'
You play a little too much with them
They say 'Fuck you'
When it's time to TCB,
Niggers are somewhere fucking
Try to be nice to them, they fuck over you
Niggers don't realize while they doin' all this fucking
They're getting fucked around
And when they do realize it's too late
So niggers just get fucked up
Niggers talk about fucking
Fuckin' that, fuckin' this, fuckin' yours, fuckin' my sis
Not knowing what they're fucking for
They ain't fucking for love and appreciation
Just fucking to be fucking.
Niggers fuck white thighs, black thighs, yellow thighs, brown thighs
Niggers fuck ankles when they run out of thighs
Niggers fuck Sally, Linda, and Sue
And if you don't watch out
Niggers will fuck you!
Niggers would fuck 'Fuck' if it could be fucked
But when it comes to fucking for revolutionary causes
Niggers say 'Fuck revolution!'
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are players, niggers are players, are players
Niggers play football, baseball and basketball
while the white man cuttin' off their balls
When the nigger's play ain't tight enough
to play with some black thighs,
Niggers play with white thighs
to see if they still have some play left
And when there ain't no white thighs to play with
Niggers play with themselves
Niggers tell you they're ready to be liberated
But when you say 'Let's go take our liberation'
Niggers reply: 'I was just playin'
Niggers are playing with revolution and losing
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers do a lot of shootin'
Niggers do a lot of shootin'
Niggers shoot off at the mouth
Niggers shoot pool, niggers shoot craps
Niggers cut around the corner and shoot down the street
Niggers shoot sharp glances at white women
Niggers shoot dope into their arm
Niggers shoot guns and rifles on New Year's Eve
A new year that is coming in
The white police will do more shooting at them
Where are niggers when the revolution needs some shots!?
Yeah, you know. Niggers are somewhere shootin' the shit
Niggers are scared of revolution
Niggers are lovers, niggers are lovers are lovers
Niggers love to see Clark Gable
make love to Marilyn Monroe
Niggers love to see Tarzan fuck all the natives
Niggers love to hear the Lone Ranger yell "Heigh Ho Silver!"
Niggers love commercials, niggers love commercials
Oh how niggers love commercials:
"You can take niggers out of the country, but
you can't take the country out of niggers"
Niggers are lovers, are lovers, are lovers
Niggers loved to hear Malcolm rap
But they didn't love Malcolm
Niggers love everything but themselves
But I'm a lover too, yes I'm a lover too
I love niggers, I love niggers, I love niggers
Because niggers are me
And I should only love that which is me
I love to see niggers go through changes
Love to see niggers act
Love to see niggers make them plays and shoot the shit
But there is one thing about niggers I do not love
Niggers are scared of revolution
June 18, 2006
Hang 'Em High
The hanging was the best show in town. But they made two mistakes. They hung the wrong man and they didn't finish the job.
Masters of War - Bob Dylan
Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks
You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly
Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain
You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud
You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins
How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do
Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul
And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks
You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly
Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain
You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud
You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins
How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do
Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul
And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead
June 15, 2006
You know it's time to seek alternative employment when...
A Hungarian revolutionary commands respect in Budapest. The streets were littered with the bodies of the hated secret police.
The revolution will not be televised - Gil Scott-Heron
You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip,
Skip out for beer during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox
In four parts without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Bush blowing a bugle and leading a charge by Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Condi Rice to eat hog maws confiscated from a Harlem sanctuary.
The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Fox News and will not star Gwyneth Paltrow and Steve McQueen or Bullwinkle and Julia Roberts.
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the nubs.
The revolution will not make you look ten pounds
thinner, because the revolution will not be televised, sister.
There will be no pictures of you and Mike Tyson pushing that shopping cart down the block on a dead run,
or trying to slide that color television into a stolen ambulance.
NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32 or report from 29 districts.
The revolution will not be televised.
There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of James Ukrops being run out of Richmond on a rail, tarred and feathered.
There will be no slow motion or still life of King Salim Khalfani strolling through Jackson Ward in a Red, Black and Green liberation jumpsuit that he had been saving
For just the proper occasion.
Desperate Housewives, Lost, Smallville, and The OC will no longer be so damned relevant, and
women will not care if Dick finally gets down with Jane on Search for Tomorrow because people of all colors will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.
There will be no highlights on the eleven o'clock news and no pictures of hairy armed women liberationists and Barbra Streisand blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb,
Francis Scott Keys, William Hung, J-Lo, or Weird Al Yankovic.
The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be right back after a message about a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your bedroom, a tiger in your tank, or the giant in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver's seat.
The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.
June 14, 2006
June 12, 2006
June 07, 2006
June 05, 2006
May 30, 2006
Can Can Brasserie in Carytown
I don't know what it's like in Paris, but they've got hot and cold running blondes at the Can Can in Carytown. The waitresses that the old duffer regulars flirt with are out of their league, but hey, they can still drool - at least I think they can can.
May 28, 2006
May 27, 2006
May 23, 2006
Lexington, Virginia, May 16, 2006
Part of the Richmond, Virginia contingent of the Virginia Anti-War Network protesting the Iraq War and the policies of Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense. Rumsfeld spoke to the graduating class of Virginia Military Institute.
May 22, 2006
Lexington, Virginia, May, 16, 2006
Tyla Matteson of the Richmond contingent of the Virginia Anti-War Network at protest against the Iraq War and SecDeaf Donald Rumsfeld's policies. Rumsfeld spoke at the VMI graduation.
May 21, 2006
May 16, Lexington, Virginia
From the Richmond contingent of the Virginia Anti-War Network at protest against the Iraq War and SecDeaf Donald Rumsfeld's policies. Rumsfeld spoke at the VMI graduation.
May 20, 2006
Rumsfeld protest, Lexington, Virginia, May 16, 2006
Ashley of the Richmond contingent of the Virginia Anti-War Network at protest against the Iraq War and SecDeaf Donald Rumsfeld's policies.
May 19, 2006
Protest against Iraq War during Rumsfeld's speech at VMI May 16
Bradford Worthington of Richmond, Virginia
May 18, 2006
Rumsfeld protest, Lexington, Virginia, May 16, 2006
Garrie Rouse of the Richmond contingent of the Virginia Anti-War Network at protest against the Iraq War and SecDeaf Donald Rumsfeld's policies.
May 17, 2006
May 16, 2006
May 14, 2006
May 13, 2006
May 12, 2006
May 11, 2006
May 10, 2006
May 09, 2006
May 08, 2006
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About Me
- Chris Martin
- "...the quintessential everyman, he's a little bit of everything that we're all striving for... mostly the search for the truth in our lives. From poignant notions of love to our own inescapable lascivious tendencies, from mundane to the outlandish, on that journey we face tough questions, but even tougher decisions. He'll take you on his journey and back, he won't promise you enlightenment (who can?), but you can at least be assured of a good time. Thanks..." - boyzco