Businesses, institutions, and individuals that irritate me

Who's the feller owns this shithole? - Clint Eastwood as Billy Munny in "Unforgiven"

I like to provide people, businesses, and individuals that offend me with an option to get off my S-list: I call it the Saw option.

Then we're stupid and we'll die. - Darryl Hannah as Pris in "Bladeruner"

Businesses and institutions that irritate me
Ukrops - Ran Howard Stern out of Richmond. If there's any justice, someone will run the Ukrops family out of town. James and Bobby Purify can avoid the destruction of their businesses and the layoff of their employees by kissing Howard Stern's butt in front of Richmond City Hall on national television and opening their grocery stores on Sundays. Members of the Ukrops family can avoid getting run out of town by denouncing the paterfamilia in the media as provincial rednecks in three piece suits. Send a copy of the article or letter to the editor to CYA, P.O.B. 11242, Richmond, VA 23230 and receive a certificate of exemption.
The Richmond Times-Dispatch - a racist institution that has never apologized for the role of The News-Leader in Massive Resistance.


The Richmond Free Press - Raymond Boone is a bougie coward who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I'm blacker than Raymond Boone. Raymond's response was to run a photo of a guy wearing an American flag hat in the next issue of his newspaper on the front page. My response: kiss the red, blue, and white ass above. You know you want to. Raymond wants a ceasefire now. You should have thought about that before you dissed me, Raymond. No quarter asked, no quarter given. As Meanie's t-shirt says, it's all about "money, power, respect." When I get through with you, you won't have any left. My advice is to cut your losses, sell the newspaper now, and retire to France, where they don't hate American negroes, just Arabs. You could be the next Josephine Baker, Raymond.
Capitol One - predatory lender to the poor
Wachovia
Cavalier Telephone - the Soviet-era Mongolian Ministry of Telecommunications would be proud of these losers
Continental Cable - Apparently anyone with a van and a roll of cable can have a cable company
Wal-mart
The Jefferson Hotel - architectural abomination
Plan Nine - Rich assholes pretending to be punks. I just found out one of these scumbags owns World of Mirth, so I no longer shop there.
The Village Restaurant
Applebee's near Willow Lawn - a mother of one of the employees says they spit in the food. Try Ruby Tuesday's nearby: the waitresses are friendly, attentive, attractive, and professional.
Video Fan - Lousy service. Always out of the video you want, which takes years of professional training. Worst selection of straight porn in the city of Richmond. What does that tell you? Run by a fat, disgusting piece of Eurotrash with poor hygiene. Reminds me of why I hate the French. The only problem I have with the Algerians and the Vietnamese is that they didn't kill enough Frenchmen.
Richmond Re:cycle - politically correct jerkwads. No bike trails for you.
Blogger - Fuckups. I hate fuckups
Google - one day, Google will no longer exist.
Walmart - one day, Walmart will no longer exist, at the request of a postal employee.
Post-Newsweek Company – One day, The Washington Post and its affiliated companies will no longer exist.
Target
Kroger
Yahoo - Yahoo Mail sucks big time. Anti-spam software written by chimps.
DHL - You owe me $100 for that package you failed to get a signature for and which was subsequently stolen during the USPS.
The Hanson Company, LLC – urban revitalization specialists offering apartments in a "quiet" neighborhood - hmmm, that may have been oversold - with the police looking for suspects and people banging on my door and rattling the door knob at 1:45 a.m. Loud parties that last until the middle of the morning. Radios blasting and televisions blaring at 4 a.m. Two dead bodies pulled out of lakes in Byrd Park in recent weeks. Open air drug markets near the Third Precinct. Three months to get a lock fixed. Air conditioner leaking. I hate leaking - on me. Roaches. Sorry, I can't use the S-word - I might get sued.
Play - A company that plays at business. Game over. The only game I play: hardball.
Hardball - speaking of Hardball, I'm never going to appear on Hardball because of your macho stand on torture. At least John McLaughlin was honest: he called the chatterati "whores." Instead, maybe you can get together with those other Irish blowhards, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. Islamofascism: discuss amongst yourselves. However, I do promise I will try to nail your lovely wife.
My name: Friday - Joe Friday.
Atlantic Beacon
River City Renaissance
Fourth Street Diner, Daddy Rabbits, and a strip club to be named at a later date
Federal Realty Investment Trust
Capital Coffee & Deserts - an Irish peasant cursed out George Bernard Shaw after he said that Tom Ridge couldn't run a tri-state Kiwanis convention, let alone the Department of Homeland Security, and he stopped going there.

People that irritate me
Eugene "The Sun King" Trani - Eugene says, "L'universite, c'est moi." To which I say, "Merde." Get your frightener out of the park, Trani. If you resort to extralegal tactics, don't be surprised if other people do too.
Rupert Murdoch - Straighten up and fly left, Rupie, or you'll wind up back in Australia - if they'll take you.
Bob Dylan - asshole and poser. Hasn't done anything interesting since 1969. Woody Guthrie wannabe - not qualified to wipe Woody's butt. Why doesn't someone beat the pretentious crap out of him?
Steve Jobs - world-class asshole and thief

Al Franken - a braying jackass. You're my Sister Souljah, Al. Nothing personal - it's just politics. No, wait, it is personal.
Jim Webb - Manchurian candidate? Anyone that robotic has to be under North Vietnamese mind control
Joe Morrissey - a glutton for punishment
Bruce Springsteen - rich poser, Woody Guthrie wannabe - not qualified to wipe Woodie's butt. If being poor is so virtuous, why don't you give all your money away, asshole? Hasn't done anything interesting since "Tunnel of Love."
Barbra Streisand - I would pay good money to see Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly alternate spanking her anti-American ass on pay-for-view. WHACK! "That's for 'Yentl.'" WHACK! "That's for 'Nuts.'" WHACK! "That's for Jan Smithers." WHACK!
Sam Seder - I would pay good money to see Janeane Garofalo kick Sam Seder in the nuts repeatedly on pay-for view television. Only problem: he might enjoy it. I would pay good money to see Janeane Garofalo kiss Maureen Dowd on the ass on pay-for-view television. Only problem: I know she would enjoy it. Seder, I know about that weekend in New England with you, Nikki, and Janeane. I hired a private detective and I have a photocopy of the bed-and-breakfast guestbook to prove it.
Michael Moore - self-righteous blowhard and pompous windbag. I hope you choke on your next Big Mac, lardass. Janeane Garofalo, a woman notoriously unsuited for broadcasting, admits that the grating sound of her voice drives audiences away. How did she get a job as a correspondent on your television show, "TV Nation"? I can only conclude that she used the only talent she has. That's the awful truth, and for that image that will be seared into my eyeballs forever, I'm going to put your lights out the next time I see you. The humanity...
Robert Kennedy Jr. - Calls Castro "interesting." That's an interesting euphemism for a butcher. Responsible for a whole new class of liberal - beyond the limousine variety - the NIMBY liberal. Who was the Air America programming genius who put a guy who sounds like his throat has been cut on the radio? Slightly less pleasant than Rev. James A. Forbes Jr., the new weekend religious talk show host on AAR. Truly, this is a network with a death wish. Hey, Robert, news flash: your father was an opportunistic weasel and your mother is a heinous bitch.
Joe Lieberman - the Connecticut voters elected a chronic depressive in their infinite wisdom as their senator and now they're dissatisfied with the results?
Bill Clinton - Campaigning for Joe Lieberman. Is there anything you won't do to get back in the White House? Turns out that Monica Lewinsky wasn't the only cocksucker in the Oval Office.
Ted Kennedy - you professed to be against the Iraq War and then you backed a candidate who was for the war and took three years to figure out he was wrong. Ted, you fathead, what is your major malfunction, aside from alcohol?
Glenn Beck - A jackal with the integrity of a hyena. Please, no outraged cards and letters from PETA members. I know - I have impugned jackals and hyenas everywhere. Glenn, you have the blood of tens of thousands of Iraqis and Americans on your hands. The fact that you can sleep at night on that mattress you shill shows there's something deeply wrong with you. You're going to Red Onion where you'll have plenty of solitude to contemplate your sins and and ask God for forgiveness. [At this point, Sean Hannity is beginning to get a little nervous - feeling a little guilty yourself, Sean?] Just don't ask me. Hey, maybe you'll get a book out of it. I could put you in a minimum-security prison where you'd be repeatedly gang-raped by a group of guys named Leroy or Bubba but hey, I'm a nice guy. Don't make the mistake the Jews made with Hitler and fail to take me seriously. Maybe you can catch the same flight to Australia as Rupert Murdoch.
Update: Glenn brings up his five children – a mistake. Yet another reason to put you in a maximum security prison - so you don't reproduce any more.
Mark "Smarmy" Davis

Institutions that irritate me
The Virginia ACLU - David Baugh and the ACULU blew me off twice and now they want to make nice. That train has left the station. You may have forgotten me, but I haven't forgotten you or that blowdried blowhard Kent Willis. My contempt for them is unbounded. One of my goals is to remove them from any position of influence in the ACLU. They are a danger to the civil liberties of Viriginians and Americans everywhere. David Baugh defends the KKK, not because he believes in free expression, but because he hates his people. He defends Arab terrorists because he hates America. Don't come near me, David. Unlike Joe Morrissey, I'll kick your ass. On the other hand, my admiration for Nadine Strossen of the national ACLU is unbounded. Call me. Nadine, honey, is that you?
VCU – Comedy that writes itself: Virginia Commonwealth University President Eugene Trani says that Richmond Mayor Doug Wilder is not beholden to any special interests while VCU pays Wilder $50,000 a year for teaching one class (Richmond Times-Dispatch). The fact that Trani can say this without breaking into gales of desk-slapping laughter is proof that the clown prince of the city has finally found a straight man worthy of his talents. Hey, if I were dogging as many wives of rich white men as Doug, I'd want eight police bodyguards too. I'm going to turn VCU into a community college in southwest Virginia. Hey, I'm going to tear down those badly-designed buildings because I need the space for casinos. All Doug and Eugene have to do to save VCU is to kiss each other's asses at City Hall in front of television cameras. Fire Eugene and make Antonia FD Vassar president.
MCV School of Dentistry - start handing out free dental dams for safe sex or I'm going to move you to Saltville.
The State Police - rednecks in grey uniforms.
The Henrico Police Department - rednecks in grey uniforms. I'm beginning to see a trend...
The Richmond Police Department: corrupt, brutal, authoritarian, arrest-happy, trigger-happy, murderous, badly trained, overweight, out-of-shape, inefficient. What's not to like? I rarely see RPD and HPD at the Krispy Kreme on West Broad Street. That's one reason I go there - that and the dee-licious doughnuts. Mmmm, doughnuts. We know why Homer Simpson and Chief Wiggum are so fat, but why are the RPD and VCU police? What are these guys eating, if not doughnuts? Fried lard? (I knew a guy who acutally ate fried lard: a Chinese astrophysicist. We watched the Tiannemen Square Massacre together. It was a moving experience. Afterwards, he wanted to move to the U.S.) They've got more junk in their trunks than Fred Sanford's scrap yard. Newsflash: 911 is still a joke.
The Richmond Sheriff's Department - you tried to kill me. The penalty for that is...
5100 Monument Avenue, a condominium

Formerly irritating
The Red Light Inn
Chetti's Clam House

Title card for "Unforgiven": Some years later, Mrs. Ansonia Feathers made the arduous journey to Hodgeman County to visit the last resting place of her only daughter. William Munny had long since disappeared with the children... some said to San Francisco where it was rumored he prospered in dry goods. And there was nothing on the marker to explain to Mrs. Feathers why her only daughter had married a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.

Thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her rages, vindictiveness, violence, ruthlessness, capriciousness, cruelty, and killer instinct - and those are her good qualities...