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Style Weekly: "the politics of fear and a growing racial divide still cripple Richmond [Virginia]." Mayor Douglas Wilder: "a cesspool of corruption and inefficiency." Ninth most dangerous city in the US. The state claims that "Virginia is for lovers" but the General Assembly passed a law "which some contend is the most anti-gay legislation in the country." (Style Weekly) And don't get me started on Henhicko County, Native American for "land of the hicks." Now at www.richmondsucks.com.

June 26, 2006

My presidential platform

Would you listen to my audition piece... yeah? - Uma Thurman in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs"

The White House will spend one year in the Mississippi Delta, one year at the Ogala Sioux Nation, one year at the Navaho Nation, one year in Compton, California, and one year in Harlan County, West Virginia.

Janeane Garofalo as vice president

Howard Dean, health czar: Surgeon-General, Secretary of Health, CDC, NIH
• Early childhood intervention
• Universal and portable health insurance
• War on STDs
• No sound levels above 98 decibels
• Good nutrition for all. Tax restaurants and food producers based on the fat and sugar content of their food.

Michelle Stuchell as White House Chief of Staff


Lisa Schaffner as White House news secretary.

Backup quarterback: Julia Stiles lookalike Joanna "You might you make the carnage a little less upbeat" Massee, Channel 8 weekend news anchor. No photograph: the one from Channel 8 makes her look like a Stepford Wife. [Update 7/28/06: I was down at the Federal Courthouse with Larry Syverson, who was getting profiled by NHK, the BBC of Japanese television. Apparently there was another story getting covered by several news crews. How hot was it? So hot that a Channel 8 reporter had opened her suit jacket, revealing her camisole. Not something you see on Channel 8. More's the pity - the ratings might go up. Someone once wrote that the goal of women TV news reporters was to look intelligent but slutty. This reporter looked intelligent and tres elegant.
Third string quarterback in case Lisa and Joanna have to be put down for terminal perkiness: Sabrina Squire oc Channel 12, Richmond.
Backup backup backup quarterback: Cheryl Miller. Though she annoyed me with her know-nothing comments about Microsoft and monopoly and cohabitation, she's telegenic and articulate. The only downside is her bad case of Hillary Clinton knees, which can hidden under a podium.

Lisa, Joanna, Sabrina, and Cheryl,l please don't send me any more secret messages intended through the tv. I broke my television in a fit of rage. Funny, I don't look like Elvis...

Valerie Davis as White House photographer:

Katherine Lanpher as Secretary for Women

Jocelyn Elders as Secretary for Sex and Relationships Education - "Let's talk about sex."

Juan Cole as Secretary of State

Laura Flanders as National Security Advisor

Janeane Garofalo as Secretary of War

Dale Dye as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Lee Ermey as Marine Corps Commandant

Creation of Polar BEARS - high altitude search and rescue, artic and mountain warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Canada, Russia, Tibet, China.

Creation of Jungle CATS - jungle search and rescue, jungle warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Latin America and Africa.

Creation of Desert RATS - desert search and resuce, desert warfar, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the overthrow of the Saudi monarchy and the liberation of Saharan Africa.

Garrie Rouse as Secretary of Peace - the Peace Department has the same budget as the Department of War

Larry Syverson as Secretary for Veterans Affairs

Richard Clarke, Homeland Security

Christina M. Rebeil, abogado, Secretary of Immigration

Robert Reich as Secretary of Labor

George Wellde as Secretary of the Treasury

Robert Holland as Secretary of Commerce

Rachel Maddow as Attorney General of the Justice Department

First nominee to the Supreme Court: CarminaGitana

Valerie Plame as director of the CIA

Randi Rhodes runs Secret Service

Tyla Matteson as Secretary for the Environment

Carrie Belt runs the National Park Service

Steve Earle as Secretary for the Arts

Kelly Justice runs the Library of Congress

Sangeeta Kumar as Secretary for the Animals

Lizz Winstead as Secretary of Communications

Richard Freeman as chairman of the FCC, Brian Maloney as a member of the FCC

James Perley as Secretary of Agriculture

Bill Davis runs U.S. Forestry Service

Amory Lovins as Secretary of Energy

Bradford Worthington as Secretary of Transportation

Riley O'Connor runs Amtrak

Larry E. Mann as car czar

Martin Jewell as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Robert Fritz as Secretary of Education

Bill Gates as Secretary of Technology

Lee Marek as Secretary of Science

Tony Hillerman as Secretary of Indian Affairs

Julian Bond as Secretary of Welfare

Mike Wallace and Morley Safer, U.S. Inspector General: uncovers and prosecutes government waste and fraud, protects whistle-blowers

Anderson Cooper runs Emergency Management Authority AKA FEMA

Bono as president of the World Bank

Ty Walker as political advisor

Chuck D as ambassador to the Indian Nations

Thalia Assuras as ambassador to Canada

Angelina Jolie as ambassador to the UN

Catherine Bell as ambassador to Iran

Gwyneth Paltrow as ambassador to Britain

Maureen Dowd as ambassador to Ireland

Nelson Britto as ambassador to Portugal

Marc Maron as ambassador to Israel

Lewis Lapham as ambassador to Germany

Juju Chang as ambassador to Korea

Uma Thurman as ambassador to Sweden

Robert Shih as ambassador to China

Stephen Cohen as ambassador to Russia

Merina as ambassador to Vietnam

In the dugout: Mr. Lee and crew, Pastor John and Linda Rains, Mrs. Galloway and crew, the Freedom House crew, Harold Durant & crew, Warren Pence, Kari of Kari's Coffee Shop, Chris Lavach, Juan Conde, Mary Fitzgerald, Lani Guanier, Mr. Pax Christi, Gail Nardi, Ellen Qualls, Joe Wilson, Pete Humes, Mark Riley, Bill Crowley, Jim Thompson, Isobel Swift, Wesley Snipes, Dwight Yoakam, Clint Eastwood, Suzanna Rexroat, Nichole Herbig, Christy and Andrea of Richmond Food Not Bombs and crew, Painter Babe and Michelle of Betsy's, CVS Somali Babe, Travis Stansbury, Bo, Mark, Starvin' Marvin, Bubba, Sharon, Rachel, Ed, Robin Hood, Wes, Meanie, Cliff, Coach, Daryl, the Brooklyn Slap-Fighter, Josh the Rabbi on MRR, Jessie and Le Grand Blonde avec deux Chaussure Noire (hey, the kid's all right) at Can Can.

Privatize mail and package delivery. FedEx, UPS, and DHL deliveries can be made to USPS P.O. boxes. Mailboxes accept FedEx, UPS, and DHL packages and mail. In addition to delivering mail and packages, add banking services to USPS post offices: check cashing, free checking, and micro, small, and payday loans. Make post offices outlets for online auction services. One-stop shopping for U.S. government services such as passports. Recycling centers where people can bring items they no longer want and get items they do. Mail chute on USPS vehicles.

Energy independence

Ban NASCAR

Ban internal combustion-powered leaf blowers and cutters

Green, cool, sustainable cities

Legalize natural lawns

Sensible coastal and flood plain use

Nation-building

Abolish the FBI and replace it with the equivalent of MI5, MI6, and Criminal or National Bureau of Investigation.

Open borders with Canada and Latin America as in the European Union. If you can make it to the United States, you become a U.S. citizen. No dual citizenship.


A plague on you. A plague on the whole stinking lot of ya, without morals or laws. And all you whores got no laws. You got no honor. It's no wonder you all emigrated to America, because they wouldn't have you in England. You're a lot of savages, that's what you all are. A bunch of bloody savages. A plague on you. I'll be back. – English Bob in "Unforgiven"

Overthrow of the English monarchy - I'm only doing this because I want to see Gwyneth Paltrow on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Independence for French Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Thalia Assuras on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a French Canadian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Annex Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Pamela Anderson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a United States flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Overthrow of the Iranian mullahs - I'm only doing this because I want to see Catherine Bell on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Destruction or reconstruction of the state of Israel – I'm only doing this because I want to see Marc Maron's wife on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Palestinian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. The state of Israel can get of the hook by hanging everyone in the chain of command for the deliberate attack on the USS Liberty, the Qana massacre, and the UN observation post in Khiam up to and including Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Only if Israel allowed the right of return, paid for the lands they stole, and became a secular state with no religious tests and religious freedom, including the right to proselytize do I see any reason for it to continue as a country or as a UN protectorate.


Reunification of Ireland - I'm only doing this because I want to see Maureen Dowd on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Irish flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Overthrow of Communist Cuba - I'm only doing this because I want to see Rosario Dawson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Cuban flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. There's nothing wrong with Cuba that can't be fixed by bigger donkeys.

Overthrow of Communist China, North Korea, and Vietnam. Free Tibet and Burma.

A living wage

Universal and portable retirement

Abortion: safe, legal, never

It takes a village to raise a child

All access and full rehabilitation for the handicapped

Expanded stem cell research

Felons have their rights restored on release

Elections are holidays

Public financing of election campaigns

Paper trail on electronic voting

Animal rights

No speed limits on interstates

Everyone rides for free on Amtrak. Dedicated funding for Amtrak.

Protection of the rights to bear arms, free expression, unreasonable search and seizure, an open Internet, and the Bill of Rights in general. Free speech includes individual, commercial, religious (including the right to proselytize), political, and abusive.

Marriage as a civil ceremony
• Polygamy
• Polyandry
• Gay marriage
• Trial marriage

Legalize drugs

Legalize prostitution

Legalize pornography

Legalize gays in the military

Remove all Confederal memorials and monuments in the United States

Abolish the Federal Reserve

Flat tax - your income tax form on a postcard. Look, ma, I'm triangulating!

Free trade, fair trade

Nationalize Walmart and sell the assets to other chain discount stores

Nationalize Capital One and sell the assets to other credit card companies

Expropriate Steve Jobs' wealth from Apple and Pixar and return it to the people he stole it from. Establish a Truth Commission to redistribute his ill-gotten gains

Eradicate spam

Eradicate pests and vermin

Give George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and Tommy Franks a full, fair, and legal trial for Iraq war crimes and then hang them by the neck until they are dead.

Give Henry Kissinger a full, fair, and legal trial for high crimes and misdemeanors, including treason, and crimes against humanity and then hang him by the neck until he is dead.

Campaign
Political advisor: Ty Walker
When I tour the western states, I'm going to play Toby Keith's "I Should Have Been A Cowboy" as my entrance song, juxtaposed with photos of massacred Indians and forced marches on a big screen.

Update: I got a motorcycle escort Saturday night, which was premature or a foreshadowing. At the time I met that pilot of Marine One last year I thought it was because Janeane Garofalo was destined to be president - chronicle of a life foretold and all that. Now it occurs to me that the Marine pilot was multitasking.

My thanks for Janeane Garofalo for nagging me to stop being a hobo.

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"...the quintessential everyman, he's a little bit of everything that we're all striving for... mostly the search for the truth in our lives. From poignant notions of love to our own inescapable lascivious tendencies, from mundane to the outlandish, on that journey we face tough questions, but even tougher decisions. He'll take you on his journey and back, he won't promise you enlightenment (who can?), but you can at least be assured of a good time. Thanks..." - boyzco