Businesses, institutions, and individuals that irritate me

Who's the feller owns this shithole? - Clint Eastwood as Billy Munny in "Unforgiven"

I like to provide people, businesses, and individuals that offend me with an option to get off my S-list: I call it the Saw option.

Then we're stupid and we'll die. - Darryl Hannah as Pris in "Bladeruner"

Businesses and institutions that irritate me
Ukrops - Ran Howard Stern out of Richmond. If there's any justice, someone will run the Ukrops family out of town. James and Bobby Purify can avoid the destruction of their businesses and the layoff of their employees by kissing Howard Stern's butt in front of Richmond City Hall on national television and opening their grocery stores on Sundays. Members of the Ukrops family can avoid getting run out of town by denouncing the paterfamilia in the media as provincial rednecks in three piece suits. Send a copy of the article or letter to the editor to CYA, P.O.B. 11242, Richmond, VA 23230 and receive a certificate of exemption.
The Richmond Times-Dispatch - a racist institution that has never apologized for the role of The News-Leader in Massive Resistance.


The Richmond Free Press - Raymond Boone is a bougie coward who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I'm blacker than Raymond Boone. Raymond's response was to run a photo of a guy wearing an American flag hat in the next issue of his newspaper on the front page. My response: kiss the red, blue, and white ass above. You know you want to. Raymond wants a ceasefire now. You should have thought about that before you dissed me, Raymond. No quarter asked, no quarter given. As Meanie's t-shirt says, it's all about "money, power, respect." When I get through with you, you won't have any left. My advice is to cut your losses, sell the newspaper now, and retire to France, where they don't hate American negroes, just Arabs. You could be the next Josephine Baker, Raymond.
Capitol One - predatory lender to the poor
Wachovia
Cavalier Telephone - the Soviet-era Mongolian Ministry of Telecommunications would be proud of these losers
Continental Cable - Apparently anyone with a van and a roll of cable can have a cable company
Wal-mart
The Jefferson Hotel - architectural abomination
Plan Nine - Rich assholes pretending to be punks. I just found out one of these scumbags owns World of Mirth, so I no longer shop there.
The Village Restaurant
Applebee's near Willow Lawn - a mother of one of the employees says they spit in the food. Try Ruby Tuesday's nearby: the waitresses are friendly, attentive, attractive, and professional.
Video Fan - Lousy service. Always out of the video you want, which takes years of professional training. Worst selection of straight porn in the city of Richmond. What does that tell you? Run by a fat, disgusting piece of Eurotrash with poor hygiene. Reminds me of why I hate the French. The only problem I have with the Algerians and the Vietnamese is that they didn't kill enough Frenchmen.
Richmond Re:cycle - politically correct jerkwads. No bike trails for you.
Blogger - Fuckups. I hate fuckups
Google - one day, Google will no longer exist.
Walmart - one day, Walmart will no longer exist, at the request of a postal employee.
Post-Newsweek Company – One day, The Washington Post and its affiliated companies will no longer exist.
Target
Kroger
Yahoo - Yahoo Mail sucks big time. Anti-spam software written by chimps.
DHL - You owe me $100 for that package you failed to get a signature for and which was subsequently stolen during the USPS.
The Hanson Company, LLC – urban revitalization specialists offering apartments in a "quiet" neighborhood - hmmm, that may have been oversold - with the police looking for suspects and people banging on my door and rattling the door knob at 1:45 a.m. Loud parties that last until the middle of the morning. Radios blasting and televisions blaring at 4 a.m. Two dead bodies pulled out of lakes in Byrd Park in recent weeks. Open air drug markets near the Third Precinct. Three months to get a lock fixed. Air conditioner leaking. I hate leaking - on me. Roaches. Sorry, I can't use the S-word - I might get sued.
Play - A company that plays at business. Game over. The only game I play: hardball.
Hardball - speaking of Hardball, I'm never going to appear on Hardball because of your macho stand on torture. At least John McLaughlin was honest: he called the chatterati "whores." Instead, maybe you can get together with those other Irish blowhards, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. Islamofascism: discuss amongst yourselves. However, I do promise I will try to nail your lovely wife.
My name: Friday - Joe Friday.
Atlantic Beacon
River City Renaissance
Fourth Street Diner, Daddy Rabbits, and a strip club to be named at a later date
Federal Realty Investment Trust
Capital Coffee & Deserts - an Irish peasant cursed out George Bernard Shaw after he said that Tom Ridge couldn't run a tri-state Kiwanis convention, let alone the Department of Homeland Security, and he stopped going there.

People that irritate me
Eugene "The Sun King" Trani - Eugene says, "L'universite, c'est moi." To which I say, "Merde." Get your frightener out of the park, Trani. If you resort to extralegal tactics, don't be surprised if other people do too.
Rupert Murdoch - Straighten up and fly left, Rupie, or you'll wind up back in Australia - if they'll take you.
Bob Dylan - asshole and poser. Hasn't done anything interesting since 1969. Woody Guthrie wannabe - not qualified to wipe Woody's butt. Why doesn't someone beat the pretentious crap out of him?
Steve Jobs - world-class asshole and thief

Al Franken - a braying jackass. You're my Sister Souljah, Al. Nothing personal - it's just politics. No, wait, it is personal.
Jim Webb - Manchurian candidate? Anyone that robotic has to be under North Vietnamese mind control
Joe Morrissey - a glutton for punishment
Bruce Springsteen - rich poser, Woody Guthrie wannabe - not qualified to wipe Woodie's butt. If being poor is so virtuous, why don't you give all your money away, asshole? Hasn't done anything interesting since "Tunnel of Love."
Barbra Streisand - I would pay good money to see Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly alternate spanking her anti-American ass on pay-for-view. WHACK! "That's for 'Yentl.'" WHACK! "That's for 'Nuts.'" WHACK! "That's for Jan Smithers." WHACK!
Sam Seder - I would pay good money to see Janeane Garofalo kick Sam Seder in the nuts repeatedly on pay-for view television. Only problem: he might enjoy it. I would pay good money to see Janeane Garofalo kiss Maureen Dowd on the ass on pay-for-view television. Only problem: I know she would enjoy it. Seder, I know about that weekend in New England with you, Nikki, and Janeane. I hired a private detective and I have a photocopy of the bed-and-breakfast guestbook to prove it.
Michael Moore - self-righteous blowhard and pompous windbag. I hope you choke on your next Big Mac, lardass. Janeane Garofalo, a woman notoriously unsuited for broadcasting, admits that the grating sound of her voice drives audiences away. How did she get a job as a correspondent on your television show, "TV Nation"? I can only conclude that she used the only talent she has. That's the awful truth, and for that image that will be seared into my eyeballs forever, I'm going to put your lights out the next time I see you. The humanity...
Robert Kennedy Jr. - Calls Castro "interesting." That's an interesting euphemism for a butcher. Responsible for a whole new class of liberal - beyond the limousine variety - the NIMBY liberal. Who was the Air America programming genius who put a guy who sounds like his throat has been cut on the radio? Slightly less pleasant than Rev. James A. Forbes Jr., the new weekend religious talk show host on AAR. Truly, this is a network with a death wish. Hey, Robert, news flash: your father was an opportunistic weasel and your mother is a heinous bitch.
Joe Lieberman - the Connecticut voters elected a chronic depressive in their infinite wisdom as their senator and now they're dissatisfied with the results?
Bill Clinton - Campaigning for Joe Lieberman. Is there anything you won't do to get back in the White House? Turns out that Monica Lewinsky wasn't the only cocksucker in the Oval Office.
Ted Kennedy - you professed to be against the Iraq War and then you backed a candidate who was for the war and took three years to figure out he was wrong. Ted, you fathead, what is your major malfunction, aside from alcohol?
Glenn Beck - A jackal with the integrity of a hyena. Please, no outraged cards and letters from PETA members. I know - I have impugned jackals and hyenas everywhere. Glenn, you have the blood of tens of thousands of Iraqis and Americans on your hands. The fact that you can sleep at night on that mattress you shill shows there's something deeply wrong with you. You're going to Red Onion where you'll have plenty of solitude to contemplate your sins and and ask God for forgiveness. [At this point, Sean Hannity is beginning to get a little nervous - feeling a little guilty yourself, Sean?] Just don't ask me. Hey, maybe you'll get a book out of it. I could put you in a minimum-security prison where you'd be repeatedly gang-raped by a group of guys named Leroy or Bubba but hey, I'm a nice guy. Don't make the mistake the Jews made with Hitler and fail to take me seriously. Maybe you can catch the same flight to Australia as Rupert Murdoch.
Update: Glenn brings up his five children – a mistake. Yet another reason to put you in a maximum security prison - so you don't reproduce any more.
Mark "Smarmy" Davis

Institutions that irritate me
The Virginia ACLU - David Baugh and the ACULU blew me off twice and now they want to make nice. That train has left the station. You may have forgotten me, but I haven't forgotten you or that blowdried blowhard Kent Willis. My contempt for them is unbounded. One of my goals is to remove them from any position of influence in the ACLU. They are a danger to the civil liberties of Viriginians and Americans everywhere. David Baugh defends the KKK, not because he believes in free expression, but because he hates his people. He defends Arab terrorists because he hates America. Don't come near me, David. Unlike Joe Morrissey, I'll kick your ass. On the other hand, my admiration for Nadine Strossen of the national ACLU is unbounded. Call me. Nadine, honey, is that you?
VCU – Comedy that writes itself: Virginia Commonwealth University President Eugene Trani says that Richmond Mayor Doug Wilder is not beholden to any special interests while VCU pays Wilder $50,000 a year for teaching one class (Richmond Times-Dispatch). The fact that Trani can say this without breaking into gales of desk-slapping laughter is proof that the clown prince of the city has finally found a straight man worthy of his talents. Hey, if I were dogging as many wives of rich white men as Doug, I'd want eight police bodyguards too. I'm going to turn VCU into a community college in southwest Virginia. Hey, I'm going to tear down those badly-designed buildings because I need the space for casinos. All Doug and Eugene have to do to save VCU is to kiss each other's asses at City Hall in front of television cameras. Fire Eugene and make Antonia FD Vassar president.
MCV School of Dentistry - start handing out free dental dams for safe sex or I'm going to move you to Saltville.
The State Police - rednecks in grey uniforms.
The Henrico Police Department - rednecks in grey uniforms. I'm beginning to see a trend...
The Richmond Police Department: corrupt, brutal, authoritarian, arrest-happy, trigger-happy, murderous, badly trained, overweight, out-of-shape, inefficient. What's not to like? I rarely see RPD and HPD at the Krispy Kreme on West Broad Street. That's one reason I go there - that and the dee-licious doughnuts. Mmmm, doughnuts. We know why Homer Simpson and Chief Wiggum are so fat, but why are the RPD and VCU police? What are these guys eating, if not doughnuts? Fried lard? (I knew a guy who acutally ate fried lard: a Chinese astrophysicist. We watched the Tiannemen Square Massacre together. It was a moving experience. Afterwards, he wanted to move to the U.S.) They've got more junk in their trunks than Fred Sanford's scrap yard. Newsflash: 911 is still a joke.
The Richmond Sheriff's Department - you tried to kill me. The penalty for that is...
5100 Monument Avenue, a condominium

Formerly irritating
The Red Light Inn
Chetti's Clam House

Title card for "Unforgiven": Some years later, Mrs. Ansonia Feathers made the arduous journey to Hodgeman County to visit the last resting place of her only daughter. William Munny had long since disappeared with the children... some said to San Francisco where it was rumored he prospered in dry goods. And there was nothing on the marker to explain to Mrs. Feathers why her only daughter had married a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.

Thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her rages, vindictiveness, violence, ruthlessness, capriciousness, cruelty, and killer instinct - and those are her good qualities...

My city council and mayorial platform (Richmond, Virginia)

A world-class city

A city with a European flavor like San Francisco

A 24-7 city

Rezone downtown for loud music, clubs, and casinos.

You can't build a new building in the city of Richmond without fixing up an old one

A green, sustainable, cool city

New urbanism

A Richmond renaissance

A public atmosphere of trust and honesty as in Japan (you can leave property in public spaces and people return it)

A center for writing, painting, the arts, multimedia, fashion, music, and movie and television production

Annex Henrico County - one day the county of Henrico will no longer exist

Ban private cars from Richmond

Ban combution-powered leaf blowers and cutters

Vehicle idling in the city of Richmond gets you a ticket

Privatize Richmond's gas business. Rents are not allowed to include utilities.

Car-sharing

Legalize golf carts

Free bus, monorail, subway, trolley, jitney, and light rail rides. Higher pay for transit drivers. Establish a transit police. Quiet engines for buses.

Education: schools for professional basketball, rap, pop-American Idol style, and any other areas requested by students. Courses in how to get on reality television shows and win. No truancy. The only people in schools are people who want to learn. Ask customers (students) what they want to learn.

Remove Confederate statues, memorials, museums, and symbols.

Rename Monument Avenue "Soul Street" and put up statues to blues, rhythm and blues, jazz, and rap artists.

A revitalized retail core. You can buy anything you want in downtown Richmond

Recycling centers in every community where people can bring items they no longer want and pick up items they do

Legalized gambling, prostitution, and pornography

Universal health care

Access to free and nutritional food for all (one person at a local soup kitchen who was robbed of $300 at bus stop observed construction workers who could afford to eat in restaurants. A 22-year-old homeless man returning to Winchester, VA for housing and employment opportunities he couldn't find in Richmond observed that at least you don't have to worry about starving to death in Richmond.)

Educate the African-American community on making healthy food choices

Classes on creating taught in public schools

Classes taught on how to be homeless and a hobo

Tax restaurants based on their fat and sugar content

Public bathrooms readily available

Napstations where people can sleep any time

Stop penalizing people for exercising natural human functions

Free basic Wi-Fi Internet access

Free minimum housing

Guaranteed annual income (one person at a local soup kitchen says the only reason he works is for the love of money. If he had a GAI, he would sit around and do nothing. Another person with a GAI says that's what he does. On the other hand, you wouldn't have to take a job you didn't want to if you had a guaranteed income. Tou could put together a band and practice with a guarenteed income. The band UB-40 is named after the title of the British unemployment form.)

A living wage for all employees

All city employees must live in the city

Abolish the Richmond Police, Sheriff's Department, and Ambulance Authority and consolidate their functions into the Richmond Public Safety Department. Institute Civilian Police Review Board. Officers are paid the highest salaries in the country.

As a nude model of mine, Sasha Zentra, once told me, "You get what you pay for." No moonlighting.

Every resident is randomly chosen to go to jail for a week once in their lifetime - like jury duty, only more entertaining. Betch the jail gets fixed up super quick.

Election days are holidays. Paper trail for electronic voting.

Remove the Harry Byrd statue from the state Capitol (belongs in my platform for governor, I guess)

My thanks to Janeane Garofalo for her guidance

My presidential platform

Would you listen to my audition piece... yeah? - Uma Thurman in "The Truth about Cats and Dogs"

The White House will spend one year in the Mississippi Delta, one year at the Ogala Sioux Nation, one year at the Navaho Nation, one year in Compton, California, and one year in Harlan County, West Virginia.

Janeane Garofalo as vice president

Howard Dean, health czar: Surgeon-General, Secretary of Health, CDC, NIH
• Early childhood intervention
• Universal and portable health insurance
• War on STDs
• No sound levels above 98 decibels
• Good nutrition for all. Tax restaurants and food producers based on the fat and sugar content of their food.

Michelle Stuchell as White House Chief of Staff


Lisa Schaffner as White House news secretary.

Backup quarterback: Julia Stiles lookalike Joanna "You might you make the carnage a little less upbeat" Massee, Channel 8 weekend news anchor. No photograph: the one from Channel 8 makes her look like a Stepford Wife. [Update 7/28/06: I was down at the Federal Courthouse with Larry Syverson, who was getting profiled by NHK, the BBC of Japanese television. Apparently there was another story getting covered by several news crews. How hot was it? So hot that a Channel 8 reporter had opened her suit jacket, revealing her camisole. Not something you see on Channel 8. More's the pity - the ratings might go up. Someone once wrote that the goal of women TV news reporters was to look intelligent but slutty. This reporter looked intelligent and tres elegant.
Third string quarterback in case Lisa and Joanna have to be put down for terminal perkiness: Sabrina Squire oc Channel 12, Richmond.
Backup backup backup quarterback: Cheryl Miller. Though she annoyed me with her know-nothing comments about Microsoft and monopoly and cohabitation, she's telegenic and articulate. The only downside is her bad case of Hillary Clinton knees, which can hidden under a podium.

Lisa, Joanna, Sabrina, and Cheryl,l please don't send me any more secret messages intended through the tv. I broke my television in a fit of rage. Funny, I don't look like Elvis...

Valerie Davis as White House photographer:

Katherine Lanpher as Secretary for Women

Jocelyn Elders as Secretary for Sex and Relationships Education - "Let's talk about sex."

Juan Cole as Secretary of State

Laura Flanders as National Security Advisor

Janeane Garofalo as Secretary of War

Dale Dye as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Lee Ermey as Marine Corps Commandant

Creation of Polar BEARS - high altitude search and rescue, artic and mountain warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Canada, Russia, Tibet, China.

Creation of Jungle CATS - jungle search and rescue, jungle warfare, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the liberation of Latin America and Africa.

Creation of Desert RATS - desert search and resuce, desert warfar, long range reconnaissance, insurgency. To be used in the overthrow of the Saudi monarchy and the liberation of Saharan Africa.

Garrie Rouse as Secretary of Peace - the Peace Department has the same budget as the Department of War

Larry Syverson as Secretary for Veterans Affairs

Richard Clarke, Homeland Security

Christina M. Rebeil, abogado, Secretary of Immigration

Robert Reich as Secretary of Labor

George Wellde as Secretary of the Treasury

Robert Holland as Secretary of Commerce

Rachel Maddow as Attorney General of the Justice Department

First nominee to the Supreme Court: CarminaGitana

Valerie Plame as director of the CIA

Randi Rhodes runs Secret Service

Tyla Matteson as Secretary for the Environment

Carrie Belt runs the National Park Service

Steve Earle as Secretary for the Arts

Kelly Justice runs the Library of Congress

Sangeeta Kumar as Secretary for the Animals

Lizz Winstead as Secretary of Communications

Richard Freeman as chairman of the FCC, Brian Maloney as a member of the FCC

James Perley as Secretary of Agriculture

Bill Davis runs U.S. Forestry Service

Amory Lovins as Secretary of Energy

Bradford Worthington as Secretary of Transportation

Riley O'Connor runs Amtrak

Larry E. Mann as car czar

Martin Jewell as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Robert Fritz as Secretary of Education

Bill Gates as Secretary of Technology

Lee Marek as Secretary of Science

Tony Hillerman as Secretary of Indian Affairs

Julian Bond as Secretary of Welfare

Mike Wallace and Morley Safer, U.S. Inspector General: uncovers and prosecutes government waste and fraud, protects whistle-blowers

Anderson Cooper runs Emergency Management Authority AKA FEMA

Bono as president of the World Bank

Ty Walker as political advisor

Chuck D as ambassador to the Indian Nations

Thalia Assuras as ambassador to Canada

Angelina Jolie as ambassador to the UN

Catherine Bell as ambassador to Iran

Gwyneth Paltrow as ambassador to Britain

Maureen Dowd as ambassador to Ireland

Nelson Britto as ambassador to Portugal

Marc Maron as ambassador to Israel

Lewis Lapham as ambassador to Germany

Juju Chang as ambassador to Korea

Uma Thurman as ambassador to Sweden

Robert Shih as ambassador to China

Stephen Cohen as ambassador to Russia

Merina as ambassador to Vietnam

In the dugout: Mr. Lee and crew, Pastor John and Linda Rains, Mrs. Galloway and crew, the Freedom House crew, Harold Durant & crew, Warren Pence, Kari of Kari's Coffee Shop, Chris Lavach, Juan Conde, Mary Fitzgerald, Lani Guanier, Mr. Pax Christi, Gail Nardi, Ellen Qualls, Joe Wilson, Pete Humes, Mark Riley, Bill Crowley, Jim Thompson, Isobel Swift, Wesley Snipes, Dwight Yoakam, Clint Eastwood, Suzanna Rexroat, Nichole Herbig, Christy and Andrea of Richmond Food Not Bombs and crew, Painter Babe and Michelle of Betsy's, CVS Somali Babe, Travis Stansbury, Bo, Mark, Starvin' Marvin, Bubba, Sharon, Rachel, Ed, Robin Hood, Wes, Meanie, Cliff, Coach, Daryl, the Brooklyn Slap-Fighter, Josh the Rabbi on MRR, Jessie and Le Grand Blonde avec deux Chaussure Noire (hey, the kid's all right) at Can Can.

Privatize mail and package delivery. FedEx, UPS, and DHL deliveries can be made to USPS P.O. boxes. Mailboxes accept FedEx, UPS, and DHL packages and mail. In addition to delivering mail and packages, add banking services to USPS post offices: check cashing, free checking, and micro, small, and payday loans. Make post offices outlets for online auction services. One-stop shopping for U.S. government services such as passports. Recycling centers where people can bring items they no longer want and get items they do. Mail chute on USPS vehicles.

Energy independence

Ban NASCAR

Ban internal combustion-powered leaf blowers and cutters

Green, cool, sustainable cities

Legalize natural lawns

Sensible coastal and flood plain use

Nation-building

Abolish the FBI and replace it with the equivalent of MI5, MI6, and Criminal or National Bureau of Investigation.

Open borders with Canada and Latin America as in the European Union. If you can make it to the United States, you become a U.S. citizen. No dual citizenship.

A plague on you. A plague on the whole stinking lot of ya, without morals or laws. And all you whores got no laws. You got no honor. It's no wonder you all emigrated to America, because they wouldn't have you in England. You're a lot of savages, that's what you all are. A bunch of bloody savages. A plague on you. I'll be back. – English Bob in "Unforgiven"

Overthrow of the English monarchy - I'm only doing this because I want to see Gwyneth Paltrow on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Independence for French Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Thalia Assuras on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a French Canadian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Annex Canada - I'm only doing this because I want to see Pamela Anderson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a United States flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Overthrow of the Iranian mullahs - I'm only doing this because I want to see Catherine Bell on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Union Jack. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Destruction or reconstruction of the state of Israel – I'm only doing this because I want to see Marc Maron's wife on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Palestinian flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. The state of Israel can get of the hook by hanging everyone in the chain of command for the deliberate attack on the USS Liberty, the Qana massacre, and the UN observation post in Khiam up to and including Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Only if Israel allowed the right of return, paid for the lands they stole, and became a secular state with no religious tests and religious freedom, including the right to proselytize do I see any reason for it to continue as a country or as a UN protectorate.


Reunification of Ireland - I'm only doing this because I want to see Maureen Dowd on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Irish flag. The story of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick.

Overthrow of Communist Cuba - I'm only doing this because I want to see Rosario Dawson on the barricades dressed as Liberty with her tits hanging out and waving a Cuban flag. The role of a lifetime and a photo op that will make the flag-raising at Iwo Jima look sick. There's nothing wrong with Cuba that can't be fixed by bigger donkeys.

Overthrow of Communist China, North Korea, and Vietnam. Free Tibet and Burma.

A living wage

Universal and portable retirement

Abortion: safe, legal, never

It takes a village to raise a child

All access and full rehabilitation for the handicapped

Expanded stem cell research

Felons have their rights restored on release

Elections are holidays

Public financing of election campaigns

Paper trail on electronic voting

Animal rights

No speed limits on interstates

Everyone rides for free on Amtrak. Dedicated funding for Amtrak.

Protection of the rights to bear arms, free expression, unreasonable search and seizure, an open Internet, and the Bill of Rights in general. Free speech includes individual, commercial, religious (including the right to proselytize), political, and abusive.

Marriage as a civil ceremony
• Polygamy
• Polyandry
• Gay marriage
• Trial marriage

Legalize drugs

Legalize prostitution

Legalize pornography

Legalize gays in the military

Remove all Confederal memorials and monuments in the United States

Abolish the Federal Reserve

Flat tax - your income tax form on a postcard. Look, ma, I'm triangulating!

Free trade, fair trade

Nationalize Walmart and sell the assets to other chain discount stores

Nationalize Capital One and sell the assets to other credit card companies

Expropriate Steve Jobs' wealth from Apple and Pixar and return it to the people he stole it from. Establish a Truth Commission to redistribute his ill-gotten gains

Eradicate spam

Eradicate pests and vermin

Give George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and Tommy Franks a full, fair, and legal trial for Iraq war crimes and then hang them by the neck until they are dead.

Give Henry Kissinger a full, fair, and legal trial for high crimes and misdemeanors, including treason, and crimes against humanity and then hang him by the neck until he is dead.

Campaign
Political advisor: Ty Walker
When I tour the western states, I'm going to play Toby Keith's "I Should Have Been A Cowboy" as my entrance song, juxtaposed with photos of massacred Indians and forced marches on a big screen.

Update: I got a motorcycle escort Saturday night, which was premature or a foreshadowing. At the time I met that pilot of Marine One last year I thought it was because Janeane Garofalo was destined to be president - chronicle of a life foretold and all that. Now it occurs to me that the Marine pilot was multitasking.

My thanks for Janeane Garofalo for nagging me to stop being a hobo.

Let it burn

The Confederate deNazification Commission will burn a Confederate flag in front of the Jefferson Davis statue at the intersection of Monument and Davis every week until all Confederate monuments, memorials, museums, flags, and names are removed from the city of Richmond, Virginia. This demand is nonnegotiable. That is all.

Gone with the wind

Someone has the idea that I have an interest in the Jefferson Hotel, or feel that I should. Apparently they got this from the same place they got the belief that I'm gay or bisexual: out of their butt. If I liked the Jefferson, I would go there.

The sad thing is there are people in Richmond who actually think the Jefferson is shit hot, as the top guns say. Yeah, the Tobacco Company isn't a tourist trap but a fine dining experience, HAR, HAR, HAR. The Jefferson got me in trouble with the Virginia Film Commission over some vindictive petty crap. Both of them can kiss my black Irish ass. The Jefferson is an architectural eyesore and I look forward to the day when bulldozers reduce it to a pile of smoking rubble after it has been thoroughly looted, Baghdad-style. If you're planning to stage any emotionally significant events such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, and anniversaries, your safest bet is Richmond's only four-diamond luxury hotel, the Berkeley, in Shockhoe Slip. There'll be a tank parked in front of it come the Revolution, HAW, HAW, HAW.

The Jefferson was a mediocre hotel but I'm sure it will be a world-class parking lot. Supposedly the staircase inspired the one in "Gone with the Wind." All the more reason to wish the same fate for the Jefferson. I hate that old Southern crapola. I was born in Washington, D.C. and grew up in Northern Virginia, which seceded from the CSA in 1865.

Niggaz are scared of revolution

The Last Poets were at the Juneteenth Freedom Celebration Friday. I got this info from a flyer at the Urban League. The flyer reads, "Still searching for empowerment 143 years after emancipation." Huh? If you haven't found empowerment 143 years after emancipation, you've got bigger problems than Jim Webb's stand on affirmative action. If the uptight little old ladies there knew what the Last Poets were about, they probably would have been burning those fliers in a steel drum in the back rather than manning the front desk. I missed the performance, but any appearance is worth a repeat of their best spoken word effort, still relevant today. This is dedicated to all my African-American friends hanging out in Monroe Park and the Daily Planet parking lot and the little old ladies at the Urban League.

Niggers are scared of revolution
But niggers shouldn't be scared of revolution
Because revolution is nothing but change
And all niggers do is change

Niggers come in from work and change into pimping clothes
and hit the streets to make some quick change

Niggers change their hair from black to red to blond
and hope like hell their looks will change

Nigger kill other niggers
Just because one didn't receive the correct change

Niggers change from men to women, from women to men
Niggers change, change, change

You hear niggers say
Things are changing? Things are changing?
Yeah, things are changing
Niggers change into 'Black' nigger things
Black nigger things that go through all kinds of changes
The change in the day that makes them rant and rave
Black Power! Black Power!
And the change that comes over them at night, as they sigh and moan:
White thighs, ooh, white thighs

Niggers always goin' through bullshit change
But when it comes for real change,
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers are actors, niggers are actors
Niggers act like they are in a hurry
to catch the first act of the 'Great White Hope'

Niggers try to act like Malcolm
And when the white man doesn't react
toward them like he did Malcolm
Niggers want to act violently

Niggers act so coooool and slick
causing white people to say:
What makes you niggers act like that?
Niggers act like you ain't never seen nobody act before
But when it comes to acting out revolution
Niggers say: 'I can't dig them actions!'
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about getting high and riding around in 'els'
Niggers should get high and ride to hell
Niggers talk about pimping
Pimping that, pimping what
Pimping yours, pimping mine
Just to be pimping, is a helluva line

Niggers are very untogether people
Niggers talk about the mind
Talk about: My mind is stronger than yours
"I got that bitch's mind uptight!"
Niggers don't know a damn thing about the mind
Or they'd be right
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers fuck. Niggers fuck, fuck, fuck
Niggers love the word fuck
They think it's so fuckin' cute
They fuck you around
The first thing they say when they're mad: 'Fuck it'
You play a little too much with them
They say 'Fuck you'
When it's time to TCB,
Niggers are somewhere fucking
Try to be nice to them, they fuck over you

Niggers don't realize while they doin' all this fucking
They're getting fucked around
And when they do realize it's too late
So niggers just get fucked up

Niggers talk about fucking
Fuckin' that, fuckin' this, fuckin' yours, fuckin' my sis
Not knowing what they're fucking for
They ain't fucking for love and appreciation
Just fucking to be fucking.

Niggers fuck white thighs, black thighs, yellow thighs, brown thighs
Niggers fuck ankles when they run out of thighs
Niggers fuck Sally, Linda, and Sue
And if you don't watch out
Niggers will fuck you!
Niggers would fuck 'Fuck' if it could be fucked
But when it comes to fucking for revolutionary causes
Niggers say 'Fuck revolution!'
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers are players, niggers are players, are players
Niggers play football, baseball and basketball
while the white man cuttin' off their balls

When the nigger's play ain't tight enough
to play with some black thighs,
Niggers play with white thighs
to see if they still have some play left
And when there ain't no white thighs to play with
Niggers play with themselves

Niggers tell you they're ready to be liberated
But when you say 'Let's go take our liberation'
Niggers reply: 'I was just playin'
Niggers are playing with revolution and losing
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers do a lot of shootin'
Niggers do a lot of shootin'

Niggers shoot off at the mouth
Niggers shoot pool, niggers shoot craps
Niggers cut around the corner and shoot down the street
Niggers shoot sharp glances at white women
Niggers shoot dope into their arm

Niggers shoot guns and rifles on New Year's Eve
A new year that is coming in
The white police will do more shooting at them
Where are niggers when the revolution needs some shots!?
Yeah, you know. Niggers are somewhere shootin' the shit
Niggers are scared of revolution

Niggers are lovers, niggers are lovers are lovers
Niggers love to see Clark Gable
make love to Marilyn Monroe
Niggers love to see Tarzan fuck all the natives
Niggers love to hear the Lone Ranger yell "Heigh Ho Silver!"

Niggers love commercials, niggers love commercials
Oh how niggers love commercials:
"You can take niggers out of the country, but
you can't take the country out of niggers"

Niggers are lovers, are lovers, are lovers
Niggers loved to hear Malcolm rap
But they didn't love Malcolm
Niggers love everything but themselves

But I'm a lover too, yes I'm a lover too
I love niggers, I love niggers, I love niggers

Because niggers are me
And I should only love that which is me
I love to see niggers go through changes
Love to see niggers act
Love to see niggers make them plays and shoot the shit

But there is one thing about niggers I do not love
Niggers are scared of revolution

Caution, objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they really are

You know it's time to seek other employment...

Hang 'Em High

The hanging was the best show in town. But they made two mistakes. They hung the wrong man and they didn't finish the job.

Masters of War - Bob Dylan

Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks

You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud

You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins

How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul

And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead

Benito Mussolini, war criminal, and cohorts are hanged

You know it's time to seek alternative employment when...

A Hungarian revolutionary commands respect in Budapest. The streets were littered with the bodies of the hated secret police.

The revolution will not be televised - Gil Scott-Heron


You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip,
Skip out for beer during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox
In four parts without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Bush blowing a bugle and leading a charge by Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Condi Rice to eat hog maws confiscated from a Harlem sanctuary.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be brought to you by Fox News and will not star Gwyneth Paltrow and Steve McQueen or Bullwinkle and Julia Roberts.
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the nubs.
The revolution will not make you look ten pounds
thinner, because the revolution will not be televised, sister.

There will be no pictures of you and Mike Tyson pushing that shopping cart down the block on a dead run,
or trying to slide that color television into a stolen ambulance.
NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32 or report from 29 districts.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of James Ukrops being run out of Richmond on a rail, tarred and feathered.
There will be no slow motion or still life of King Salim Khalfani strolling through Jackson Ward in a Red, Black and Green liberation jumpsuit that he had been saving
For just the proper occasion.

Desperate Housewives, Lost, Smallville, and The OC will no longer be so damned relevant, and
women will not care if Dick finally gets down with Jane on Search for Tomorrow because people of all colors will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no highlights on the eleven o'clock news and no pictures of hairy armed women liberationists and Barbra Streisand blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb,
Francis Scott Keys, William Hung, J-Lo, or Weird Al Yankovic.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be right back after a message about a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your bedroom, a tiger in your tank, or the giant in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver's seat.

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

Carytown menu board

Originally uploaded by Stunted Growth.

Carytown door

Originally uploaded by Stunted Growth.

Uptown

Originally uploaded by Stunted Growth.

Carytown

Originally uploaded by Stunted Growth.