Beach animals by David Eldur

Beach Animals
Originally uploaded by David Eldur

House / Fashion Shoot / Ronda Mag.

House / Fashion Shoot / Ronda Mag.
Originally uploaded by Simon Pais

Drink Don't Drive!!

Drink Don't Drive!!
Originally uploaded by CharlieBrown8989

The burning sky

The burning sky
Originally uploaded by yamabobobo

Cleveland rocks. Richmond sucks.

Well, it turns out that Cleveland sucks too. So I've changed the title of this blog to "Is Richmond burning?" The new location is at http://stuntedgrowth.vox.com.

My idea of gun control

Amy
Originally uploaded by Love Me1.

Little Bill Daggett: Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!
Bill Munny: He should have armed himself if he was goin' to decorate his saloon with my friend.
- Unforgiven

Photo by Flickr friend Cindy Nguyen of Flickr friend Amy Nguyen

I got a name

Cleveland rocks, Richmond sucks has moved to my personal domain. (Hey, I am the master of my own domain, and don't you forget it. This isn't Shoe City. This is my city.)

Smokin'

A blonde Barbie (looked like Charlize Theron, she did) waitress from the Tobacco Company restaurant once picked me up in the James Branch Cabell Library at Virginia Commonwealth University. She wanted me to go down there and spend a lot of money on me getting to know her before I or she decided it was worth getting involved with eachother. Which is pretty much what dating is all about. Spending money on women in restaurants before deciding they're worth the time and trouble of further involvement.

I declined the offer because I'm not interested in going to restaurants that are named after an industry that will kill a billion people in this century (Richmond Times-Dispatch).

What's next: Auschwitz Pizza Ovens (coming soon to a neighborhood near you)?

Going to school

You can learn from anyone, even if it's what not to do. As a speaker at a George Wallace rally told me in 1968, even a stopped clock is right two times a day. I went to school on the University of Virginia for five years and I learned two things:

1) A sociology professor told me, "The system always looks functional from the top." I already knew that. I have a B.A. in sociology. But it never hurts to go back to the basics.
2) How to make a livable city from William Whyte at the School of Architecture.

I went to school on Virginia Commonwealth University for 10 years and I learned two things:

1) VCU sucks.
2) Eugene Trani, president of VCU, can kiss my ass.

How I feel about African-Americans

What DeGaulle said about France.

For the record, I would like to say that I feel the same way about Ms. Janeane Garofalo. DeGaulle also said, "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs."

Come to think of it, DeGaulle's sentiments probably reflect the way Moses felt about the Jews. DeGaulle also said, "Diplomats are useful only in fair weather. As soon as it rains they drown in every drop."

I'm blowing up

I've opened up a third front - The Richmond Times-Dispatch. I hope I don't fall off a cliff. I'm going to out-Hitler Hitler. I'm going to be more popular than Jesus. Ooops...

Are the Jews an endangered species?

There are only 14 millions Jews on the entire planet, according to Glenn Beck. Hmmm, should we make them an endangered species?

HAWHAWHAW. That was a joke, and a double-edged one at that. Please, no angry letters from handmaidens of Israel like the AJC, AIPAC, and the B'nai Brith. Also, no mouthing off from the Simon Wiesenthal Center. I don't want your mouth anywhere near me. I know where it's been - firmly affixed to crypto-Nazi Arnold Schwarzenegger's ass.

Whatsamatta u Jews? You people just don't have a sense of humor. You lose it at Auschwitz?

I can make these kinds of jokes because I'm Jewish. I'm sure if you go back far enough, you can find Jews in my woodpile, er, ancestry.

Rush hour

At five o'clock it's much too crowded (too crowded)Much too crowded (too crowded)Much too crowded (too crowded)Too crowded for meCouldn't get through to you babyOh, it's too crowded - The Soul Survivors

Trying to get through the sidewalk in front of the Capitol City Coffeehouse was nearly impossible because of the dense foot traffic. My dogma was nearly run over by my karma. All those people and tables obstructed the sidewalk (a capital offense at Virginia Commonwealth University.) I was tempted to make a citizen's arrest but declined.

Sgt. Pepper and the Bad Lieutenant decline the invitation

You're invited to a retirement party for the Virginia Commonwealth University chief of police and Officer M. Franklin. The chief's distinguished record is even more impressive because he recently confessed to me, "I can't read." VCU President Eugene Trani said he was so impressed by the willingness of the chief and Officer Franklin to take a bullet for VCU that Trani was freeing them in his will.

When reached for comment, Officer Taylor said, "Fall mountain, just don't fall on me."

The powerful Tarheel in administration with the snazzy sports car was unavailable for comment. She was too busy cleaning out her desk and getting escorted off campus by Mean Mr. Mustache, the scrawny-ass bicycycle cop, who then escorted himself off campus, pointing his finger at everyone he met.

RSVP TBA CYA

Why? Why? Why?

In response to my post about racism at the Watermelon Festival, someone asked, "Why don't you move?" This a non sequitor and non-starter, to which I reply, "Why don't you move because you're the sort of person that tolerates this crap?" You should be ashamed and instead you suggest that I move. However, to show that I am the magnamimous person that I am, I have set up the Movin' Chris On Up Fund. Send all contributions to P.O. Box 11242, Richmond, VA 22320. I reserve the right if it never amounts to a hill of beans to spend the money on $1.00 expresso shots (50 cents for refills) at Can Can in Carytown instead.

A related question, by a man who stopped me and asked for a light: "Why you got to make things so hot?"

If you're referring to the August climate, I have nothing to do with that. If I could afford it, I would live in Rockport, Maine in August. If you're referring to the disturbed equalibrium in the structure which is Richmond, and which makes people feel uncomfortable, it's what I do.

I hate Canada

I don't know why people keep suggesting I go to Canada. Somehow it lacks the ring of Dwight D. Eisenhower saying, "I will go to Korea." I wouldn't even go to Canada when I was on the verge of being drafted during the Vietnam War, which tells you something. Nothing good has ever come out of Canada except for universal health care, cheap pharmaceuticals, and legalized marijuana and prostitution. On the other hand, they've exported Martin Short and Dan Aykroyd, responsible for "The Three Amigos," so it's a net loss. They're also responsible for the sex-mad, mad dogs and Canadians, crazy Samantha Burns. One of my first acts as president will be to sign an executive order deporting them, along with Steve Martin, for that crime against humanity.

Does Canada have any reason for continuing to exist, particularly after French Canadian independence and the overthrow of British royalty? If you don't knock off this visit Canada stuff - I'm going to visit Canada all right - to finish what Benedict Arnold started.

Expresso love - Dire Straits

She gets the sun in the daytime
Perfume in the dusk
And she comes out in the night time
With the honeysuckle musk
Because she smells just like a rose
And she tastes just like a peach
She got me walking where the wildlife goes
I'd do anything to reach her

And she was made in heaven
Heaven's in the world
Is this just expresso love
You know I'm crazy for the girl

She calls me just to talk
She's my lover, she's a friend of mine
She says, hey, mister you wanna take a walk
In the wild West End sometime
And I get trouble with my breathing
She says, boys don't know anything
But I know what I want
I want everything

Well I feel so good cos I feel so good
And I feel so good cos it feels so right
I was made to go with my girl
Like a saxophone was made to go with the night

And she can raise one eyebrow
Put her hand on my hip
And I close one eye now
Sweat on her lip
And I surrender to the fever
I surrender to the will of the night
She love me so tender, I got to believe her
Love? Expresso love's alright

I don't want no sugar in it
Thank you very much
All wired up on it all fired up on it
Expresso touch
Hey maestro, expresso
It's just another one, just like the other one
Hey maestro, expresso
Is this another one just like the other one?

The Dirty Boulevard - Lou Reed

Pedro lives out of the Wilshire Hotel
He looks out a window without glass
The walls are made of cardboard, newspapers on his feet
His father beats him 'cause he's too tired to beg

He's got 9 brothers and sisters, they're brought up on their
knees
It's hard to run when a coat hanger beats you on the things
Pedro dreams of being older and killing the old man
but that's a slim chance he's going to the boulevard

He's going to end up, on the dirty boulevard
He's going out, to the dirty boulevard
He's going down, to the dirty boulevard

This room cost 2,000 dollars a month, you can believe it man
it's true
Somewhere a landlord's laughing till he wets his pants
No one here dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything
they dream of dealing on the dirty boulevard

Give me your hungry, your tired, your poor, I'll piss on 'em
That's what the Statue of Bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses, let's club 'em to death
and get it over with and just dump 'em on the boulevard

Going to end up, on the dirty boulevard
Going out, to the dirty boulevard
He's going down, on the dirty boulevard
Going out

Outside it's a bright night, there's an opera at Lincoln
Center
Movie stars arrive by limousine
The klieg lights shoot up over the skyline of Manhattan
But the lights are out on the mean streets

A small kid stands by the Lincoln Tunnel
He's selling plastic roses for a buck
The traffic's backed up to 39th street
The tv whores are calling the cops out for a suck

And back at the Wilshire, Pedro sits there dreaming
He's found a book on magic in a garbage can
He looks at the pictures and stares at the cracked ceiling
"At the count of 3" he says, "I hope I can disappear"

And fly fly away, from this dirty boulevard
I want to fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly, from dirty boulevard
I want to fly, fly, fly, fly, from dirty boulevard

I want to fly away
I want to fly
Fly, fly away
I want to fly
Fly, fly away
Fly, fly, fly
Fly, fly away
Fly away

My favorite line from "Raw Deal"

Arnold Schwarzenegger tells sniveling prosecutor Joe Regalbuto, "Resign or be prosecuted."

It's just another day in paradise

It's 5:45 a.m. and a African-American police officer has been waiting for me to walk by in front of Richmond Police Department headquarters. He says, "What's up?" I don't respond, which disrespects him. Every black man and woman in America is automatically entitled to my respect, until they do something to earn my disrespect, like don the uniform of the RPD (Report-Takers Police Department).

But don't let it be a black and a white one
Cuz they slam ya down to the street top
Black police showin out for the white cop
- Fuck Tha' Police, NWA

One of the guys who runs the Freedom House soup kitchen at the Salvation Army asks me if I still work at Tiffany's. (Hey, I really do have wax in my left ear, compacted from putting in a hearing protection plug at a Rachel Leyco Band show.) I used to know his name, but I forgot. If I were casting "The Mike Tyson Story," he'd be a trainer or cut man. If I were having a wedding reception, I'd hire him to be a bouncer and to tell the guests it's time to get to stepping. How do you know you're finished... I'm a little groggy at 6 a.m. but I realize it's another "Joan of Arcadia" moment courtesy of Janeane Garofalo. I don't have breakfast at Tiffany's, nor do I buy any rings there. And I guess that Janeane thinks she's Audrey Hepburn and I'm George Peppard or OMG, OMG I'm Buddy Ebsen - eewww!- and I should watch the movie for important clues. The only problem is that I'm still decoding the secret messages in a stack of "Badly Drawn Boy" CDs. Audrey Hepburn was 5', 7" and Janeane is 5', 1" though their weight is almost the same (Janeane weighs 99 pounds, Audrey, 110). Anyhoo, my favorite Hepburn film is "Two for the Road." And I get all my jewelry at Don Dransfeld in Shockhoe Slip, jeweler to the has-been stars, or at least one of them...

We off the block this year
Went from a little to a lot this year
Everybody mad at the rocks that I wear
I know where I'm goin' and I know where I'm from
You hear LOX in your ear
Yea, we're at the airport out decline from the block
Where everybody air-forced-out
With a new white Tee, you fresh
Nothin' phony with us, make the money, get the mansion, bring the homies with us

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)

- Jennifer Lopez